Incredibly bored

Bored

Bored

I’m so bored, it’s ridiculous.

It’s partially my fault and partially not my fault too.

I was meant to meet with my social worker late this morning but she called me before to say that she is sick so won’t be able to meet with me today. I’m meant to meet with her once a week. I didn’t see her last week as I had the family event and she said that she would call me the day before and we would make other arrangements to meet if I could not meet with her on the Thursday. But she never called beforehand so I didn’t see her last week at all. I spoke with her and asked if it was possible to meet with her 2 times this week to make up for the meeting we missed and it didn’t work out so we said that we would meet just once, today. A lot has been going on with the self-harming and the worse anxiety and it seems that my care worker didn’t know about the contract I have with them where they added a clause that I agree not to self-harm (specifically was written cutting). But my social worker knew it was in the contract as she was in the meeting when the document was signed. My social worker told me last week that she had to tell the boss and that he may want to sit with both of us and discuss how they can possibly help me with it so that it (obviously ideally) doesn’t happen again. But the meeting with her didn’t work out last week and now not this week and now she just said to me that next week we will have our regular meeting on Thursday and didn’t say about making up for the missed meetings. I didn’t ask to be honest about the possibility of making up for this weeks missed meeting. I imagine my care worker will tell me that I should meet with my social worker twice next week as it’s important that we cover what has been going on as more has been going on in the last 2-3 weeks. We will see.

Then I was meant to go to the rehab work for 4 hours. Wow, it’s such a block for me. I don’t really have any excuses about not going there asides from it’s mind-numbingly boring, seems pretty pointless, I feel like an idiot there so I’d prefer just not to go and you get “paid” 1 and a half USD an hour which obviously doesn’t add any incentive for me. Those are my reasons as to why I didn’t go today and why I have hardly gone since I have been “working” there for 4 months. I’m told that I should go so that I have more of a routine but it’s so difficult for me because of the reasons I listed and if it was a proper job then I would go because first of all I know that I would be fired if I didn’t go. But because this is a protected workplace, I know that I will get away with it. I’m only meant to go 3 times a week. I know it’s not a big deal. I know that I should just go so that I have a bit more to do in my sparse and boring and unfulfilled schedule. Even with this “work”, it’s totally unfulfilled.¬† I keep slipping back in to bad habits even though I tell myself ‘this week I will go 3 times’. So, dare I say that next week I will go 3 times. I can but try my best.

With a passion, I hate the end of the week. No doubt this weekend I won’t be going to my sister’s at all as family have been here and she probably wants a quiet weekend with no visitors. Understandable. But I’m totally alone. I was at least going to meet with my social worker today but as I said, that was cancelled. So Thursday, Friday and Saturday I am totally alone. I have no friends whatsoever and nobody to be with. I asked my sister today if I could just pop over to get something that I accidentally left at her place and she said it’s not a good time and to get it another time. So I tried to arrange something there but it didn’t work out. So I went in to town and went to the art shop and bought a couple of things, went to the pharmacy to get a couple of things and then came home. Now it’s 7pm Thursday and I’ve been in bed for a couple of hours because of boredom basically. I’ve got the whole evening ahead of me alone, then tomorrow and Saturday.

There’s only so much I can do to try and keep myself busy and distracted. I used to go out by myself quite a bit and not be too bothered about it but these days it’s just unpleasant for me and I can’t really do it much any more. So I’m at home and this is where I have to control myself to not go and get involved in stupidity like going to the local shop and getting alcohol and/or self-harming because it all becomes too boring, lonely and depressing. I did a bit of art before but I can simply not sit for hours doing it. I even loaded up a couple of movies to watch online but I have no desire to watch them. I can’t concentrate and my mind wonders and I can’t enjoy watching them. I watch some TV shows online during the week but I’ve watched all that I normally watch so I’m left with nothing there for now. I have a couple of books to read but also can’t focus and find it incredibly boring to lay there reading words off of a piece of paper.

The only thing I need to do now is have dinner. So that’s one thing to do. Asides from that, I have no idea what to do with myself and what I will do tomorrow and Saturday. It’s like I can’t survive it all. I can’t live like this just wishing that time will pass by fast so that the next few days can be over and done with. I can’t live like this. But on the other hand, I don’t know what to do. I tried to find free things to do because money is an issue and I found nothing to do. Anything that I can possibly do which are likely still not going to happen all cost money that I simply don’t have.

It’s too much time. I don’t think anyone would be able to fill their time enough for 3 days in a row of being alone and in being depressed so not finding pleasure in anything too, and having¬† no money which means less and less options. I don’t want to say therefore I’ll end up doing something silly and regret it because I want to do something that will help me pass the time. I am trying my best not to do anything like that. I know it hardly passes time anyway. Ugh.

Overwhelmed with sadness

I feel so overwhelmed with sadness today. Like your original depression-type feelings. It’s been building up. I felt it coming. I’ve been having these moments more and more where I simply can not sit up and keep my eyes open even if I seemingly slept OK at night and have no reason to feel so tired. It’s like physical and mental exhaustion. I collapse in bed and go in to a deep hazy sleep and detach and shut off. Today, I’m hunched over it’s so difficult for me to walk and sit up straight. I try and can’t do it. My head is down and I have no strength to hold it up. My face I guess just shows utter unhappiness and sadness. A song may come on in the background and it triggers me and all of a sudden I have tears rolling down my face. Tears just roll out and I am silent. Or a thought comes to me and all of a sudden, the river of tears starts and I just sit still and let it be and end up with a puddle of tears on my skirt. Every blink seems to take a couple of seconds. Slow. Everything is slow and takes all the energy from me. I feel empty in many ways. I’ve been out and managed to go to meet with my psychologist and went to the mental health group so I’ve still managed to be reasonably active. Now my chest hurts again like I am all knotted up. Like someone has their hands squeezing my chest and I can’t take in enough oxygen. And it hurts. I wish the strangulation feeling would go. It feels like I am actually being strangled. And in many ways I am. Numb. Exhausted. Deeply depressed to the pit of my stomach and in the deepest area of my soul.

I don’t know what to say

Hell

Hell

I don’t know what to say any more.

I am meeting with my psychologist in the morning and I don’t know what to say to her. I honestly for the first time ever am having thoughts of running away from it all because nothing is helping and I’ve had enough of it all. I wonder sometimes if all of this does me worse than actually better. Because nothing gets better and it’s only gotten worse over the 4 years since I had the breakdown. Those 4 years ago was the opening of the can of worms and since then it’s like the worms are still bursting out of the can and it simply doesn’t stop. I honestly feel like just not turning up to meet with my psychologist and next week not turning up to the meeting with my psychiatrist (which went really bad last week for the first time). And I’ll just tell my care worker it’s nothing personal but I don’t want to meet her and say the same to my social worker too. And that’s it. Just be done with it all.

I’ve had enough of ‘the system’. I go to each and every meeting without fail but that seems to get me nowhere. I just get more wound up because the rhetoric that is always spoken about over and over. I’ve had enough of complaining. I’ve had enough of over-analysing everything. I’ve had enough of pity. Of sitting with these ‘professionals’ and having my own frustrations which just increase all the time and then I can see and feel the frustrations of whoever I am sitting with. I’ve tried a different approach recently which is to sit back a lot more and wait for their questions and not ramble on about the same crap all the time, but this hasn’t made things any better. It’s just as bad. My change in approach, I thought, was needed and would help, but it’s all just the same.

Mental health is basically my life. And I’ve had enough of it. What else will I do instead? Wow, good question. I have nothing I want to do or any ideas to be honest. I am trapped and it’s hell. Everything is a catch 22. I can’t carry on like this but on the other hand, I don’t know what to do with myself. I honestly don’t know any more.

There’s only so much patience one can have and it’s not like I am sitting back and waiting for others to ‘fix’ me. But damn, I’m not doing a good job of fixing myself and nobody else can seem to help me so why am I even alive? Well, I’m alive because I am trapped. I am alive because of my family and I don’t even have a big family, in fact, it’s very small, but now I have two nieces under the age of 4 and a newborn nephew. I am being damn trapped in to living basically and for that I am very angry. Why can’t anything be easy? Or easier?

How this all pains me deep inside my stomach. I am sitting feeling like I have knots tied all inside of me. I feel sick. Totally sick. I keep going in and out of collapsing falling asleep and feel like I am drifting out of actually living. It’s like I am right on the edge of death and then I come back again and the realisation hits me I am still alive in this horrible life.

There are no answers. I can’t kill myself. But I can’t live. But in the end, I can only live because I can’t kill myself. But I hate it all. So do I carry on going to all of these meetings and let my frustrations and hate carry on like this, pointlessly basically… Or do I at least scrap all of this crap out of my life and at least stop with these pointless meetings that get me nowhere? I’m better off drinking alcohol and/or doing drugs and just doing that every day to help me get through life. I don’t care if I am hurting myself by doing it. I don’t care if it will shorten my lifespan. The more, the better. At least then I will still be physically alive. It feels like that’s the only way I can stay alive. It’s the only viable option available to me.

Is it avoidance? Yes. But when you spend so many years trying to fix or improve things in life and nothing gets anywhere, then I’d say eventually, avoidance is the only thing a person can do.

Nothing. It’s all nothingness. It’s all like I explained in an earlier post. I am something that is rotten and there is no way of bringing me back to live. I may exist physically here, but I am not alive. And as much as I can be watered, there is no way of bringing me back to life. That’s the only way I can feel about things. And I don’t see that changing.

If this is not hell, then I’d hate to think what hell is like.