*** This post has some small details to do with a rape but is mostly talking post-rape and in therapy ***
I was raped on December 1st 2013 at the age of 28. I’d never been sexually assaulted before. This was my first, and I hope, last time. Once is enough to do a hell of a lot of damage. A day after the rape, I was very disconnected and I spoke with my psychiatrist and he didn’t even catch on to what I was attempting to tell him even though, to me, I skirted around a bit but still thought that I was signalling that I had been raped as I couldn’t use the word or terminology at the time. I left his office and was in confusion. I left his office and something didn’t seem right to me. I was thinking that what happened has happened and I can’t turn things back and that in some ways I was guilty for this rape happening to me and doing the blame game on to myself basically.
I luckily had a meeting with my therapist the same day and it didn’t take long for us to come to the ‘r’ word and I nodded. She sent me to my family doctor as I had physical injuries and I was clearly rather out of it mentally but that was a secondary thing to check because physically I was in worse shape at that point.
I went to my family doctor. I had been losing a lot of blood from the injuries when the rape happened and what the animal did to me and I was in a lot of pain. I just remember a lot of pain, all over my body. Like it was trauma mentally and physically too. But mentally, there weren’t so many signs at the beginning. And within myself, I was in denial, I was angry and I was this and that for many months until now 11 months later, I’ve only opened up now in talking about what happened and being able to painfully and uncomfortably, but still able to talk about a majority of the details.
I met with my psychologist today that I have been with for a couple of months only and it just kind of blurted out of me in the last 15 minutes of our meeting. I know that I’ve been sitting there for 2 months with her and was finding it hard to make eye contact and I was always looking down at the table in-front of me that was the divide between me and my therapist. My mind has been wandering and I’ve been having a hard time focussing. Sometimes, I hear her half talking and the rest is like mumble jumble to me. But it’s not. I’ve been trying very hard to concentrate and try to keep on the subject we are talking about or answer clearly the questions she has been asking me, but I haven’t managed so much to do so.
But the last 15 minutes of this session was kind of the breakthrough meeting I had with her and I think that as painful and uncomfortable I am with talking about the rape, I managed to tell my psychologist after warning her that some of the details are not very nice at all and questioning if I should even tell her. But she said that I can tell her what I wish to tell her, it’s up to me so I kinda went for it. I spoke about what happened and was looking in my therapist’s eyes most of the time. I felt like this really is the breakthrough and that something like this had to eventually come up in our conversations and this has now hopefully opened up the opportunities for talk about other things also that are from the past and even present that are/have bothered me and also are unpleasant and embarrassing things to tell, but things that really do need to be talked about and dealt with as it were.
I was aware that my timing had unfortunately not been a great one as once I told her what happened with the rape and then the next day with the psychiatrist, psychologist, family doctor and then being sent to the hospital to the rape crisis centre, we had ran out of time for our session. My therapist knew that obviously she couldn’t say ‘OK, we’re up on time, see you next week!’ so we did have an extra 5 minutes luckily that she took in order to kind of wind down as I was rather worked up at this point too.
If I can say, I am glad that this event has been opened up and talked about. There is plenty more to it and I am sure we will continue on speaking about it in future sessions, but I think this was good timing and about time too. My therapist is extremely nice and she asked if I wanted her cell phone number to call her out of hours if I need to speak. I actually told her that I don’t want to but thank you anyway. I said out of hours is out of hours and I don’t think I’d use her number to call her because I understand that people have their own lives too out of work. Also, which is true, my care worker gave me her cell phone number a couple of months ago and said I can call her also. I have called her twice outside of hours but obviously avoid in doing so as much as I can. But my therapist said that she wanted to call me this evening to see how I am doing so I said, OK thank you.
I knew this was a breakthrough moment with her as on the way out of her door, she kind of patted me on the shoulder gently and that’s the first time she has physically touched me. I appreciated that she did this because it showed that she supports and is there for me and cares.
She called me this evening and I did speak mostly rubbish which I was annoying myself over and talking about things that weren’t even connected to what was the actual subject we should have been talking about. I told her that I went to the mental health group in the afternoon for the 3 hours there and was disconnecting a lot and getting rushes of blood to my head in anxiety-type-mode, feeling like I was going to pass out. And the whole seeing mouths moving but not actually taking in what people were saying to me. Feeling floaty and half out of my body, me moving and it feeling strange like it’s me not moving, etc. And triggers, like little things that related to the rape and flashbacks and whatnot.
It’s been an extremely difficult day and I’m still all out of inspiration and lacking in concentration skills so doing anything is difficult and trying to keep my mind focussed on something is tough so I don’t know what to do with myself all evening, it’s been tough. But the time has passed and I have managed to not self-harm or go in to the realms of any of that which has been something which has been building up for a week or so.
I know it’s probably risky times now I’m opening up about the rape and have a lot of mixed emotions going on about it and that is reflected in the fact that my psychologist said she will call me tomorrow evening too to see how I am and that she wants me to meet with my psychiatrist tomorrow if possible so we will see about that.
But a rewarding/positive day in some twisted way. If you see what I mean?
Thank you for your support everyone.