What more can I do?

Good question.

What more can I do than I am doing right now?

I’ve been out since 10.45am. I met with my social worker for an hour, then went to work and did a full 4 hour shift and then I met with my sister and have been at hers since 8.30pm and now I’m home and it’s 9pm.

It went OK with my social worker but nothing comes out of it. I told her a few things and she confirmed that she agreed with me. Like I told her that I feel my psychologist isn’t giving me enough feedback and tools and speaking in general. We could sit there for like 15 minutes and she will never start to talk. I feel like she needs to take more of an active role. I can’t take an active role and even if I am the first one to talk and mainly to talk… I’m just all over the place and there is no point in it. At the beginning, when I started with this psychologist, she asked what kind of therapy I think I need. I told her this… That I need CBT type stuff and more of a 2 way conversation and working together to try and make positive change and to work on things from the past so that I can move forward too. Anyway. That was one example of what I spoke with my social worker about. Fine. But whilst it’s good to be able to have this opportunity to speak about these things and talk them through, I have my care worker 3 times a week in order to do this with… So what am I doing with a social worker? Maybe I should ask her upfront. I don’t see as her job title ‘social worker’ that she is helping me in anything that can be included in that field.

So then I managed to stay at work for the entire shift which is a success. Nothing more I could have done there.

Then I met with my sister and went to her apartment. I’m then with family and it doesn’t mean that it’s all easy with family, as I am sure with a majority of people, even these relationships can be a bit difficult or however you want to term it. So her two young girls were behaving really badly and my sister tried all things to try and get them to behave or just stop the worst of it, and unfortunately, kids are stubborn! But then we ordered pizza and my sister and her husband bought for all of us so I was thankful for that. They obviously know about my money situation and that I never get any treats whatsoever and I couldn’t even chip in a bit for the pizza. I just can’t do it.

And now it’s 9pm and I am home.

I feel… Seriously… Awful.

I’ve been feeling like this all day, regardless of me succeeding to do all that was on my schedule and it has been a long day out. So people say to be busy and not alone and it’s good to be with family (and we don’t have issues really, it’s ‘nice’), and good that I went to work and succeeded to do all the shift when I was SO close to cancelling everything in the morning because I had another awful night sleep, actually worse.

I feel so depressed. I really do. And I am getting in to this agitated depression where I feel like I have the capabilities and enough energy (negative energy) to go and do something to myself. I am so close to something. I have had enough. On my way home from my sisters there was an ambulance with the lights and sirens on crossing a main junction and I thought to myself how twice I was sent to a main hospital to get stitches from self-harming and to be assessed by a psychiatrist. And I did that. And this person is probably in this ambulance because the poor person has had a heart attack or something. And there is me pissing around cutting up my arms until I see the lumps of the fat deep down in my skin.

Guilt, desperation, hopelessness, helplessness. I could go on. But I won’t.

It’s just like my best is not good enough. And I am in no way content in any shape or form in what I am doing. But that’s the problem. It is my level right now so I can’t possibly do anything else. I just find it so awfully hard to accept this situation for what it is when I was the one 4 years working in a high-tech company for 4 years earning a load of money and not necessarily happy, but still a big difference to how I am now.

It feels like everything has been turned upside down. Whatever I had or whatever capabilities I had in the past have all gone. And no, nothing else is coming back to me. So what about this whole ‘have patience’ thing? How much patience can I have? I am doing all the professionals are telling me to do and nothing. Just nothing. What has happened in the last year since I left the UK and came back here? Well.. My best friend ended her life by jumping off of a building (yea, try and get the visions of that out of my head) and I was raped.

REAL PROGRESS…..

YEA, REAL PROGRESS.

And now the professionals are being weird with me and are making meetings longer and longer apart even though the situation is rather bad as it has been for a few weeks now. I was seeing my psychiatrist once a week, then once a fortnight and now once every three weeks. I felt his frustration build up in him more and more sitting with him and therefore it doesn’t surprise me that he’s seeing me less now. And now my psychologist, I have been seeing twice a week. It’s meant to be once a week but she made time every Friday morning for the last 2 months at least to see me extra. And now these two people and my social worker and another couple of people (the manager of the mental health centre) at the beginning of this week… And since then.. They are all backing off from me. I’m not just being paranoid. Now all of a sudden my psychologist can’t see me twice a week. She said she can’t meet me that extra Friday morning for at least 3 weeks and no other day either. I feel this shit going down.

I will say honestly, I am not overly attached to the professionals what so ever. It’s not like this is why they are acting like this. I think they are giving me a BPD label and maybe said in that meeting behind my back that they should spend less time with me and not make extra time and other things like this. I never asked for extra time or longer meetings. Never once. Even my psychologist asked me a couple of months ago if I want her cell phone number so that I can call her out of hours if I am feeling really bad. And I said thank you but no. I said that I have a lot of people trying to help me and they are working hard enough as it is that they also have their own lives outside of work… And I didn’t say no to her to try and prove something. I honestly mean it. I don’t request anything on top of the standard of what I should be receiving. And hell, I could be requesting a ton of stuff, but I’m not. So this is not an BPD attachment issue or something. It just feels like they either/and/or think they can’t help or that it’s too much or that they have enough other people to help and/or maybe they can help them better than they can help me, so it’s not fair others are waiting for therapy and seeing the psychiatrist, so not to spend more time on me.

Call me a Borderline, but all of this does make me feel more hopeless and helpless and my hope is getting less and less. And I know it’s not all down to them to somehow magically fix things.. But I am REALLY trying and like I say, I’m doing all I can do and am ‘meant’ to do and I am feeling no better by doing it. I feel nasty. Pure nastiness.

I won’t go on.

If something happens intentionally or not then my suicide ‘document’ is ready. And I am not therefore saying that I am going to end up killing myself. I am not suicidal now. I just feel I need some crazy release, to cut or burn. And not do it lightly.

A meeting of nothingness

I can’t believe it.

I was with my care worker this morning and I brought up to her about the meeting all the other staff members had yesterday about me. I told her that I was really anxious to know what was said because it seemed like some kind of action was going to take place, out of several options.

She called my social worker to find out what happened in the meeting. I could hear her because the volume was loud. She said nothing came of the meeting. It’s not like my social worker could have said something to her on the phone because she’d think I couldn’t hear. I heard it all loud and clear.

Whether I was/am right to have a reaction like this, I am distraught. I can’t even explain. It all feels like it’s coming to an end. You ask, what would I have wanted from the meeting? To be honest, I don’t know… But with several professionals that know me and literally nothingness, no ideas, nothing… I just feel the awful sense of hopelessness and helplessness.

I sat for the remainder of my meeting with my care worker totally broken down. Like ridiculously.

The only thing I can do is to accept my situation for what it is and keep doing it because there don’t seem to be any other options. Everything was totally shot down. I am honestly trying my best to accept this rehabilitation stuff like I am doing with the protected work place (work that monkeys can do, no offence to monkeys) and all of these meetings that get me nowhere, medications that don’t seem to be doing anything and I’ve/we’ve known that for a long time anyway, one way therapy, I sit and she listens and I told her at the beginning that I don’t want that. I want a 2 way thing going on, I want to be challenged. To speak about things more together. Therapy is once again just like nothingness, like it has been for 4 1/2 years. When I was in England last year they asked me what type of therapy I had been in and I said I guess regular psychotherapy. They asked if the therapist had an active role and I said no. They said that is especially the worst thing for someone with BPD. It either leaves the person in the same place and moves them nowhere or it actually makes things worse because by just speaking and not being challenged is just reinforcing my distorted thinking and leaves any out sense of positivity that can be grasped on to or ideas, ANYTHING. TOOLS. COPING TECHNIQUES.

Then I went to the mental health group and was in a state but I felt a bit better there. I am determined to not just stay at home and isolate and as bad as I have been feeling, I’ve managed to do everything. But I had so much anxiety sitting there it was horrible. I went outside to take some air and felt better. Went back in and sat down. Felt tingling in my hands and all the way up my arms and in my feet and I knew this meant I was seconds away from fainting/passing out. I put my head down as it’s meant to help, but I just keeled over. Passed out, laying on the floor. As you can see, today has been simply too much for me to take.

Ever so anxious

I am so anxious, it’s horrible.

All day, even with the Clonex I have been shaking inside. Like rumbling up with anxiety. I haven’t really been able to eat for a couple or few days. Luckily here and there so it’s not like I am physically weak. But today has been the toughest.

This meeting that was supposed to happen today (without me) with my psychiatrist and psychologist and social worker and manager of the open ward of the hospital where I may be heading… I have no idea if that meeting happened. And even worse, I just can’t stop thinking about it all day if it did happen then what. I don’t know who went which is extremely important because they don’t all know the same information. That could mess things up.

I don’t know what they are going to come up with, I really don’t. I realised that since Friday I have got it in to my head that they will say to be in hospital for a few weeks, but there’s not such a big chance that will happen. I really don’t know.

I know that I don’t have to go with what they say so at least there is that. However I do not want things to be like that where I say ‘thanks but no thanks’. Like they could say to go back to that outpatient program and from the get go, they never fully accepted me there (end of last year) because I have BPD and the manager thought that the program isn’t suited to me. Whilst I was there, I can’t say that it helped but then again, there were people leaving and starting all the time and I don’t think I saw ANYONE say that they feel better from being in the program. So I don’t want that offered because of those reasons.

And I don’t know when I will find out what has been spoken about. Often they schedule these meetings and it doesn’t end up working out, but if I did, then what?

My care worker was on holiday today so she didn’t go to the meeting so I can’t ask her tomorrow when I see her about the meeting. And I’m only meeting my psychologist next on Wednesday which seems like ages away when I am waiting to hear what they have decided to recommend to me. I only have my care workers phone number where I am allowed to call out of hours and she’s not in the know still!

My psychologist has called me in the past in the evening to see how I was as she was concerned about me so I’m just hoping that she may realise that I am waiting to hear about the meeting. No doubt she will need to know how I have been feeling since I saw her on Friday and that may be the thing that will decide what I am doing and where I am going, if anywhere.

I hate waiting. I don’t feel well. I can’t sleep as it is hardly. I can hardly eat as it is. I’m disconnected as it is because of high anxiety. I can’t concentrate as it is because of anxiety and the depression causes a few of those things and more also.

So anxious. I know I should just relax, of course. But that’s easier than done in this situation.

Hospital?

Things are still developing here. I’ve gone seriously unstable and I don’t know what happened. My medications were changed a little but the mood stabiliser was raised so you wouldn’t think it would be that! Only the Seroquel was reduced to 400mg from 600mg. Perhaps it’s even that.

But before the medication changes, things were changing.

I have been feeling the most deep depression that I have EVER had. Even when I was suicidal, I didn’t feel like this. It’s a different feeling. I’m not particularly suicidal now. Just that I don’t want to live and I don’t want to die. I can’t even explain the feelings of depression that I’ve been having. Sometimes just frozen with it. The inability of managing to put a mask on. Just feeling like it’s eating at me or I am dying like, now. I was at my sister’s place today and I sat on the chair. I said I feel awful and anyway I look it so it’s not such a surprise. I put my hands in my pockets and put my head back and just couldn’t move I was feeling so awful. My sister saw how bad it is because like I say, I can usually kind of mess about with the kids and generally not be like that.

But it’s all changing within sometimes minutes. All of a sudden I feel OK and calm. Then that lasts hours. Then I switch and it’s the worst feeling. Maybe an hour like that.

The changes seem to be what situation I am in and where I am at. Like all afternoon at home, I’ve been feeling calm and not overly depressed. But then again, the feeling did go after maybe 30 minutes once I was at my sister’s place. And poof, if just goes… And then poof, it just comes back.

I met with my psychologist yesterday (Friday) and she said they are still having the meeting tomorrow (Sunday) with psychiatrists, a nurse and social worker and my psychologist and social worker. Without me. But that doesn’t bother me.

She surprisingly mentioned about full time hospitalisation and not just for a few days. I know they are very concerned. It can take just that one more time of pills and alcohol and I could die. I haven’t drank or taken extra pills for a couple of weeks now. They know that things are so rocky right now it’s kind of going out of control. They obviously have a duty of care so I will no doubt go with what they recommend to do. I’m not sure what else could come up in the meeting. Like other possibilities. We will see.

But full time hospitalisation? My psychologist said maybe for a ‘few weeks’. I’m really mixed about it. I am so desperate to not go back. It would be the open ward so it’d be OK but anything more than a few days is not something I want to have to do. I can see that how things are that a few days is not going to really do anything. But if it’s for a few weeks then I am not sure about that either. It’s not real life there so I’d probably be somewhat OK and therefore it can be totally pointless. I really don’t know.

It’s like when I feel better like now for a few hours, I tell myself that of course I don’t need hospital. But nearly every day when I am getting in to that deep depression, I am like, totally, I am going to need a few weeks to be somewhere safe and with intensive therapies and to catch these moments and try and see what the deal is. If I would be there and switching (or even if it happens in the next couple of days) then being there is a necessity to really focus on the changes and for the professionals to take more of a closer view too and see what is going on.

Total calmness to total awfulness. Like nothing before. Never so calm. And never so awful. It’s very strange and that’s why it’s first of all a lot of suffering for me and me needing more intensive help and some kind of intervention.

We’ve said in the past that hospitalisation for more than a few weeks should not happen. But things have been very different the last 3 weeks or so and it’s only moving that way.

We will see what happens. Now I have no appetite, I can hardly sleep and it’s making me really confused and out of it, generally more and more intense symptoms than I have had.

Upset and pissed off. Scared. Ugh.