Things are not good. Kind of spiralling out of control. I’m trying my best to hold back on things and am not doing things impulsively. I’m really trying to think it all through and do what I can to distract myself or even just take a little more Clonex or Valium than usual as it’s not that I feel overly relaxed on them but I do see that it calms my thoughts down a bit at least.
I’ve got almost constant thoughts about death. Whether it be thinking back to a couple of weeks ago where I prayed that God would take my life without needing for me to do it. Or if it’s thinking to end my own life and looking online to see the ‘best’ methods to use. I can’t relax and am so agitated. Not agitated mentally so much but more physically. It’s like I can’t keep still and just lay there. It’s driving me mad.
And I’m waking up a lot during the night and having thoughts about just getting out of bed and needing to get outside. And this is like 2am at least. I’m thinking to get up and get dressed and go out and just walk about the city. Find a tall building where there is access to the roof which isn’t easy to find. But to find and go up and look over the edge, maybe sit on the edge and hope that I will look and think to myself ‘what am I thinking!?’ and leave and go home and that it will clear my mind of all the thoughts of death and that I will decide to live regardless of how much I am suffering. But I don’t know if that will be the case.
I’ve been doing a bit of art and poetry and to be honest, the book is turning out to be more of a ‘suicide book’ to leave behind more than anything. This is the page I did this morning. Not my most nicest pieces of art in many ways but this is what it is now, pretty plain and simple:
I’ve self-harmed 2 nights in a row. Actually not last night but Friday and Saturday. I burnt myself with a lighter one time each and they are deep, like third degree burns like when I did it back in October last year. But I’ve taken care of them and the wounds are dry, closed and OK.
I drank alcohol on Friday night but the regular amount I drink of 2 small bottles of 4% alcohol, like the equivalent of 2 small beers. I know, still not good but at least I was in control of how much I drank and I wasn’t drunk at all.
But last night at about 9.30pm, I was really struggling. I called a crisis line and it didn’t help and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I kept thinking about taking a ton of pills. In all honestly, not entirely with the idea of killing myself but just being self-destructive and thinking what will be will be. So I decided to drink alcohol again and went to the shop and bought a bottle of 30% alcohol liqueur. Not good. And I knew it. I was telling myself it’s stupid but if I drink within limits then it’d get me drunk quicker and I won’t be so bloated with a ton of alcohol in my stomach. I know. Still not good.
I ended up, quite obviously, drinking a lot and it was truly vile. From the beginning it was vile but I still did it. I just don’t feel in the right mind. It’s going a bit too far.
I ended up vomiting a few times and don’t remember what happened after. I woke up a few times during the night which I remember a bit. Just waking up feeling awfully nauseous and like my stomach and liver was on fire with a lot of pain. Thought I maybe would have the luck of passing out or dying and just not wake up. But no.
Woke up feeling so hungover and disgusting.
When I met with my care worker yesterday I was pretty damn honest and upfront with her and told her about all the thoughts and everything and she was concerned. I didn’t feel like I could keep it inside and I know that they need to know what’s going on. She knew also about the self-harming on the weekend.
So last night my social worker called me and said that she heard from my care worker what is going on with me. She said she’d spoken with my psychiatrist too and that tomorrow (today, Monday) he will be working in the hospital on the afternoon/night shift in the emergency assessment ward. He told my social worker that if I wanted to go and talk to him then I can as I am due to meet with him on Wednesday but if I feel the need to speak to him now then it’s an option. It’s an hour journey to the other side of the city and I said I don’t want to go. My social worker said maybe he would hospitalise me if he saw things are too bad right now which made me want to go even less. She kind of let that slip at the end it seemed.
My social worker also called me this morning before I met with my care worker and asked how I was. Not sure at this point if it was a good idea to be honest and tell her that I got so drunk last night and vomited and am still feeling very rough this morning but I told her.
She said she really thinks I should go to the hospital today and meet with my psychiatrist and I was kind of silent with her because I didn’t want to say anything rash without thinking about it first. We spoke about it a bit and we know that my psychiatrist only works one shift a week there so if he would decide to recommend me to stay in hospital for a short time then this would be the opportunity as it’s totally down to him. He can recommend another time but he will need to recommend it to the doctor on shift then if it’s not today and then it’s their decision.
I spoke with my social worker about it a bit more and I said I’m not going today. I know she was concerned and still is and said what if tonight there will be continuing bigger problems or during the day the next couple of days. I told her I really don’t want to go and that I have the mental health group today to go to and even if I’m not so involved in the group, at least I will be around people. I was honest and said tomorrow is a bit of a problem because I only have work from 12-4pm so it means somehow keeping busy in the morning and all evening too. I said I’d be in touch with my sister to see about going over to visit them after work tomorrow but it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen because she’s too busy.
I heard that my social worker wasn’t so satisfied with my decision but I explained that I will either go there and speak with him and then come home or he will recommend to admit me but then I can only be in the emergency ward for a few days and they have no activities or therapies or anything to do whatsoever and it’s as boring as hell. We know we are not talking about another longer hospitalisation in the open ward where they have daily activities and therapy. My social worker said what if he can help me out in any other way and I said there is nothing else he will or can do. The only thing is with meds which I can just wait until Wednesday for if he does decide to do something. But when I met with him last, things were still bad then and he said no way is he even looking at my medications so it doesn’t look like anything is going to happen there anyway.
Dare I say I haven’t ended up going to the mental health group today. My bad. I know. I just saw my care worker for an hour and that’s it.
My care worker is concerned also and said about going in to hospital but didn’t give her opinion really. She more went over the options. She said what if I drink again tonight and something will happen. I said to be frank, all morning today I am disgustingly nauseous and I feel so rough that there is no chance I will drink tonight. No way. And I know that. No way the night after. Especially after being so sick from it. Even a whiff of a smell of alcohol would make my vomit.
My care worker said that she will meet with me tomorrow (Tuesday) instead of Wednesday because of what’s going on and because I meet with both my psychiatrist and psychologist Wednesday morning so it’s too many meetings really. So I’ll see her tomorrow and then hopefully go to work and hope that things will be OK. I actually managed to go to work yesterday and stayed the 4 hours which is literally the second time I have managed to stay the entire 4 hours without leaving early.
I know it’s really bad I haven’t gone to the mental health group today. I feel like isolating but I know it’s bad for me and anyone. But I’ve done it. No excuses. Just need to make sure tomorrow that I go to work after the meeting with my care worker.
When I meet with my psychiatrist on Wednesday, I’m very concerned about that. The worst thing would to be sent to hospital and be there on the weekend as it’s bad enough during the week as it is. The weekends are even more awful as there are no doctors there to talk to and it’s just 3 meals a day and bed and just a tiny bench area to go out in to get fresh air with 15 foot wire fences right in your face.
Ugh. I just need my life to change. I can’t carry on like this. I know I’m bound to keep winding up in hospital every few months if things continue on like this. And maybe even worse. I’ll just end up dead. That’s where things are going right now and have been going for 4 years now. Downhill all the way.