A Article That Could Be Usefull To Someone In Therapy

Originally posted on theramblingsofadiscouragedborderline:

I no longer go to therapy.  I have chosen to treat myself from home from now on.  The biggest reason would have to be that every time I walked out of therapy, I felt even worse.  It felt like the therapist was blaming me for not being happy.  Of course the therapist denied such a thing, but in the end it turned out I was right.  Here is a article I found today on how therapists abuse their clients.

Here Is a article so you know if this might be happening to you.

source = http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/counseling-keys/201104/is-your-therapist-re-traumatizing-you

Here are the 7 red-flags of a bad therapist.

Life can throw a bunch of curveballs at you. You can suffer from discrimination, grief from lost loved ones, abuse from loved ones, losing your job, financial collapse, environmental toxins and natural disaster, and health degradation. All of these are a normal and real…

View original 3,278 more words

Going backwards

I’m frightened and concerned.

I was feeling so calm and peaceful inside of me for those 3 weeks or so. Physically and mentally. I wasn’t all tight and knotted up because of anxiety and stress and my breathing was naturally smooth and calm without me needing to try and calm down in other ways. My sleep wasn’t great as I was waking up in the middle of the night for a few hours, but it actually wasn’t bothering me too much. I was managing to get up every morning without a problem and did everything on my schedule.

Now I feel unhealthy. Like it’s taking over me again. It’s been like this for a little more than a few days, gradually getting worse. Physically and mentally. I am really tense and my body hurts. Breathing is an effort all the time and even when I do deep breathing, it’s not really helping me much at all. Everything I do is a massive effort. Even putting on my shoes and tying the laces. I am trying not to be like this, but I’m huffing and puffing at everything and my energy levels are really low. It’s been difficult to get out of bed in the mornings. Now my sleep has changed once again where now I can’t fall asleep which usually isn’t a problem, but now it is and then once I do sleep, it’s such a weak and not a proper sleep, I really feel it. And then in the morning I’m waking up early so it’s doubly as bad. I’m doing things on my schedule but am lagging a bit. I’ve still got work from my landlord which he is paying me for and now he’s given me more work and has told me a deadline which puts me in a bit of stress. I was managing to sit there and do 1 hour of work every time and was doing 2 hours a day in most cases. Now I can only do 30 minutes each time and am only managing twice a day to do that so I am doing half of what I normally do. I’ll hopefully get back to it more. The urge to self-harm is becoming more and more and it’s not since this extra little stress from my landlord and the deadline. I just really actually want to self-harm. It’s not often like that but when I’m feeling like this and I am not drinking alcohol or playing around with my medications, all is left is self-harming and I think it would (unfortunately) help me. But I know obviously it’s a very unhealthy coping technique that I am trying to stop or at least trying my best not to do it often at all… Not that I am giving myself an excuse to do it. I know it’s not good any time. I have this list of distractions I can try, but I’m tripping up on them a bit and am really trying but then it’s not working. So for example I tell myself I will lay in bed for 20 minutes and just close my eyes, calm down, let the urges to self-harm pass and relax if that is possible. But I’ve got patience for hardly anything. Including the coping techniques etc.

I met with my psychologist yesterday. We had trouble getting to the reasons as to why things are the way they are. But we did reach some answers which made sense and I think are really true. I’m having a lot of intrusive thoughts of what has happened in the past. And in my head, I am even going in to more details of which I am guessing because I don’t know the entire details of some things. It’s images in my head and like little movies playing over again and again. A lot of it is memories of me being in England last year and in hospital and all the things that happened there. It was awful, it really was. Definitely the worst time in my life. By far. Things are triggering me too and it’s bringing up things from the past. And I’m going in to these deep thoughts about them. As much as I am trying to not fight the thoughts, on the other hand, they are often disgusting and really unpleasant.

I told my psychologist about the 3 weeks or so that I had and felt better and that it really seems now that my mood changes are much further apart, whereas only a couple of months ago they would change hour to hour or day to day. My psychologist didn’t say anything about this even though I asked her and brought it up a couple of times. I guess the only way knowing if it will happen again is if that it will happen again! And there’s no way really in saying that it’s better that my moods are more spaced out. In a way, it’s worse to have my moods spread about because I get used to them and then it hits me again and feels stronger. Whereas if my moods are switching all the time (I am not talking about depression really, more like anger or agitation and stuff like that) then it’s a constant change going on all the time which is somehow easier to deal with… A hell a lot more intense but unfortunately what I am more ‘used to’. I guess now I write this, I’m unsure really. I know I just have to get on with things and do the best I can do and all of that jazz.

I’m seeing my psychiatrist on Monday. Uhhh. Yeah. I’m not looking forward to it because even though he spends more time in meetings with patients compared to other psychiatrists, it’s still time limited and my confusion and the complexities of it all is difficult to explain clearly and within the time. I’m confused a lot of the time. It’s hard for me to focus. I don’t understand things and why they or even sometimes when they have or do happen. It’s the pressure of that I find difficult. And we never look at medications. We haven’t done that for 6 months at all. However when I was in hospital a month ago, the psychiatrist said that me being on 600mg of Seroquel is a bit crazy and I should reduce it to at least 400mg. So that might be a change.

OK, this post has been sitting here all day so it’s time to publish it!

I met with my social worker and the meetings with her haven’t much of a purpose. I meet with the care worker three times a week and the psychologist once a week, so I don’t feel the need to sit with my social worker once a week also and just go over everything again. I know that she needs a general update, but to sit and seemingly try and go in to details that even and my psychologist didn’t work out but still spoke about… In the end, I am not doing therapy with my social worker and I need more help with social worker area things. The only purposeful thing I have done with her was to fill out of 3 minute form to ask for free/discounted dental work as I am approved for rehabilitation benefits and sheltered housing and sheltered work for a year at a minimum. So now I’ve gotten the permission to go for a check up at one specific place in town and then once they see if they need to do anything and how much it costs then they send it to the health department and then they decide how much they will cover the dental work. It’s a long process that’s been going on for 5 weeks already just to get a reply from the form we sent!

I went to work today too so that is really good. I’ve gone to work 3 times a week now in the last 2 weeks. I’m meant to go 3 times a week so I’m glad I’ve managed to have gone 3 times again this week. Then I picked up my niece from kindergarten and went to my sister’s for a couple of hours to see them. They are busy on the weekend so I’m not going to see them which means me alone which is obviously not a good thing. Then the urge to self-harm is worse at these times. I hope I will be OK and not do anything. I think I should be OK even thought the urges are strong.

Hope ya’ll all well.


So as is probably clear, I’ve been on a decline in the last few days. And as I have spoken about, it’s all a bit weird to me. Especially the last several weeks with such wild changes and not you’re regular hourly or daily changes. I do feel like something is awry. But I don’t know what.

This morning I woke up and once again, I felt my mood and whole being just being rather flopped and still going downwards. It’s not like I can call it depression, even though it is depression, but more of what I am feeling is SADNESS. It’s like an overwhelming sadness about things. If you ask me what, then I would probably say ‘err’ before answering.

This morning I got up as regular and took my pills, had breakfast and opened up my laptop, and there it was, the tears.

I just sat with a constant stream of tears coming out. I was breathing calmly and I felt mostly calm. It’s difficult to explain what came over me. It’s like the last few days all getting too much and kind of piling up on each other until I guess this was bound to happen. And so it did.

I thought it was probably time to call my psychiatrist who I have been avoiding in calling in order to arrange to meet with him. I actually haven’t seen a psychiatrist since coming out of hospital I guess a month ago. My heightened mood and strangeness kind of made me want to avoid him and not see him. If I was feeling OK then I felt like I didn’t want to go and sit with him and what if I would open up those can of worms and crash again? I never felt rather decent like that mood-wise in this entire 4 years. I know I shouldn’t therefore think it’s OK to not see my psychiatrist, I should see him in any state that I am in. Not only sadness means something. Feeling happy can mean something too! And not that it is necessarily good!

So I called my psychiatrist and he was like ‘wow, A, where have you been? I haven’t seen you in a long time! Where did you disappear to?’. And I can’t say that I wanted to get in to it with him on the phone so I just said ‘finally, I am here’. He asked how I was and I drew a blank. I said I don’t know. So he said does that mean in a good way or a bad way or a really OK way? I said that it’s perhaps a bit more complicated to get in to now again on the phone so we will speak about it. And that’s about it. It’s not that I am avoiding talking about the 3 or so much better weeks I had, I will tell him that when I meet with him… It’s just kind of mixed up and like I’ve been writing, not so clear and whatnot.

I met with my care worker today and I also started streaming with tears. She asked why I was crying and I said I am sad. I feel sadness. What else can I say? I don’t know. But I have had a lot of things starting going around in my head like all the (actually) traumatic things that happened last year when I was hospitalised in the UK. And my friend ending her life a year ago and everything is coming back to me in pictures and things are playing out in my head as to what happened in the UK and playing out and thinking at which height did my friend jump to her death? I obviously don’t want to think about these things… They’re really intrusive thoughts.

So maybe that’s why I am sad. I can’t say it’s something in particular. I feel a simple sense of sadness over me that isn’t going away. Yet, at least.

Just weird

I’m in a rather weird state.

About 3 weeks ago I totally switched from daily craziness to virtually nothing. A little anxiety here and there and a little depression… But all of a sudden, a switch just went off.

It’s not that we need explanations for everything in life but it’s just so weird for me and I don’t understand why it happened as there was no trigger whatsoever that caused me to flip like that.

In having said that, it’s weird because I am still doing what I am normally doing. Nothing has changed there. I’ve not started anything new or something. I’ve been going to work a bit more than usual, but that’s just because I’ve been feeling better and I know it’s not that the going to work a but more would have changed things so much.

It makes me think it’s a chemical imbalance. Maybe a diagnosis that I have that hasn’t been recognised or looked in to. It really is that much of a difference I feel like it has to be something to do like that.

How can I have 4 years of constant depression and then seem to snap out of it all so quickly. And like I say, if I actually do start thinking about my life, I do have negative thoughts and I think what the hell am I doing with myself and I am not happy, I feel like I am missing many things in life. You know, I have no friends, I’m in rehabilitation work which pays a pittance and is at a very low level, money is a problem and I am back to getting food from a charity, I still have no direction/s to take in life, I have no plans, I feel like I am living for no real reason. Maybe just for my family.

I can’t explain this. It’s too strange to try and explain.

I’m still, after a month now, waking up during the night and am awake for a few hours and then mostly manage to get back to sleep for a while. But I don’t feel tired from it. In fact, I do have tiredness but it doesn’t seem that it’s from how I slept that specific night. I can sleep well one night and the next morning I can be on my laptop and I can hardly keep my eyes open.

Nothing makes sense. It really doesn’t. Like I’m pretty much a different person. But like I say, I do hold back on saying that I have ‘totally’ switched or am really a different person, because I’ve still have had a few times of difficult anxiety… But overall, still WEIRD!

What can I say?

I am carrying on and doing what I am doing and am putting all my effort in, but I’ve been doing that for 4 years. Nothing changed there either.

I wish there was an explanation for this.

The only thing that I can explain quite easily is that I feel very paranoid about the guy who raped me. He works 5 minutes from where I live and as I live on ground level, I fear that he will come to my window and do God knows what. If he has the potential to rape someone, then most likely he has the potential for other things. It’s been bothering me a lot.  But I don’t think this is paranoia that doesn’t make sense. It’s obviously a real and possible one. The only paranoia I have is about insects now. Here, we can get big cockroaches and they are BIG. I’ve only had one in my apartment and that was a few months ago. It was at night and I had the light off and outside was totally quiet. I actually heard the cockroach walking over the edge of my mirror because they are so big and I turned the light on and low and behold, it was a cockroach. I’m talking like 2 inches long. So I’m in constant paranoia about insects too, but hey, once again, it’s not like it’s actually an irrational thing to be scared about. I HATE those cockroaches. They are so big and fast, you have to hunt them down for an hour or so before being able to get it out of your apartment. But maybe my paranoia is too much? I don’t know.

I know that I’ll get a telling off here perhaps but at least I am not doing this when I am feeling BAD. I should really have been in touch with my psychiatrist after I left the hospital last, which I guess was a month ago. I’m meant to see him every 2 weeks. But because how weird things are and how better they are, I’ve not been in touch with him because I guess I am afraid we’ll do a ‘wow’ type meeting and I’m scared of falling down again. I’m not sure if I can express to him how I have been feeling. I’ve hardly managed to here, really. So I’ve been wanting to leave it with him for now because I haven’t felt the need to see him. In the end, if something changes, I can still go to him and tell him what happened then and now. But this strangeness is continuing and it’s not that I WANT it to be something, like another diagnosis or something, but I have a fear that it could be unidentified or not even questioned. Anyway, I’ll call him tomorrow because it’s just going on for too long now and I know that even if I am feeling better that I should see him. He needs to see me in all situations. But this is certainly a FIRST.