Meetings, meetings

I got up early in the morning and travelled in to town to meet with two women at the rape crisis centre. The two women were very nice. We didn’t talk about any details about the rape at all, just what procedures happened and who I spoke with and details like that. The women were in shock, but not shocked unfortunately about how the process went with me. They said the same as me that how can I have only spoken once to the police and then they spoke with him and then never came back to me to speak to me again. They said no way is that a thorough enough investigation, that is totally clear.

They told me that they will help me write a letter to the general consul of the court asking for the case to be re-opened and re-examined by the people who work for the courts. They said that the issue isn’t really with them as they can only decide what to do with the case according to what information they are given by the police. It is the job of the police to do a thorough investigation and it’s those people that are to blame for at least not doing a proper enough job and therefore causing my complaint to not be allowed to be taken to court as there was not ‘enough evidence’ to back up my side of things and the women said the police are awful in the way they deal with rapes in that if they see this guy (in this case) seems to have a way of talking that he somehow manages to work his way out of getting in shit for what he’s done, they’ll not even push most of the time to question him more and fight for my side of the case.

The women said it’s a rough rough process in general and especially to do with rape, the stigma and everything is awful and they have seen person after person in the court (victims) be told they are manipulative and lying and who knows what else. Ugh, that’s just awful. I mean really, like I am just doing this for the fun of it!? Like I want to go to court and go through all of this!? I’m just doing it for fun!?

So that’s that. I am meeting with one of the women next week again in order to write the letter and then I will need to tell her literally every tiny detail of the rape and what happened before and after and then after with the police and on and on.

I then met with the psychologist for the second time. OK, I take it back. Everything has worked out OK. In a way yes and in a way no. It’s kind of confusing and I don’t fully understand, but I’m going with it for now. Basically the psychologist looked in to about the DBT they also offer at the mental health centre and found out that they do now offer one-on-one therapy alongside the DBT skills group. So you have two meetings a week. But there’s something weird about the ‘waiting list’ as in, there is no waiting list as such… If you need it then the DBT ‘people’ are told and you get it, but you can’t start straight away because there are no places. It’s really silly and confusing and like I say, I don’t understand. When I was at the mental health centre about 9 months ago they said I need the DBT and that I will be put on the list but it’s a very long wait. Then I was told 3 months ago that I am still on the list. And now this psychologist basically doesn’t know what she’s talking about it seems because it didn’t make sense in what she said. So she ended up saying that if I could start the DBT now (which I can’t anyway!), then she wouldn’t be able to do the one-to-one therapy with me alongside the DBT group skills because there are only a couple of psychologists that are trained in DBT that you can do the one-on-one with. So she ended up saying to me today that we will do a year of individual therapy together and that’s it. I’ll just see what happens. It doesn’t make sense to me so it makes sense to take what I am given now which is very important to me too and work hard at it and dedicate myself to it fully.

I REALLY succeeded in putting things toward the psychologist today that proves I am more than just a BPD diagnosis. She asked about my childhood and I told her some stuff which dates back to when I was literally a baby… and I spoke about life in general and how it was for me hitting 13 years old and the self-harming starting and alcohol and weed and how it was with my friends, just everyone’s lives messed up and abusing substances and being unhappy and changing things all the time in my life and saying SO many times that ‘this is the time for change’ and then me still not managing to find any form of being happy, let alone content. And having no aims for the future. Nothing to look forward to, to aim towards. No ideas what to do with myself. Total actual blankness and emptiness rather than confusion for once! It’s not that I have any ideas of what to do with my life but I just don’t know what direction to take and that I just can’t decide, it’s that I literally have nothing here to work with and it’s therefore just utter blankness and unknown.

So the meeting went well and she asked if I write and I said I do (but didn’t say a blog), so she asked me to bring stuff to her that she can read and therefore get to know me better and quicker. She has perfect English actually so I did end up speaking to her in English and it means that I can obviously give her anything in English too which helps because without my native tongue, I can’t really sit and express myself clearly and enough and it’s a hindrance to the therapy, so I think I’ll just stick to English actually.

I then went to my psychiatrist who told me that he will have written the letter for me by today so I can collect it from him, the letter for the benefits people to ask that they raise the percentage of disability I have in accordance with my situation. I waited 30 minutes for him until he finished with one of his patients and then knocked and popped my head in the door and smiled and said hello and I could see he was just mega stressed with his workload, the poor thing, and he said that he hadn’t written the letter yet, that he physically has had no time to do it. I’ll leave it a couple of days at least and then delicately ask him about it! Of course I understand that he is mega busy but on the other hand he did say to me that he will do it within a day, which is a bit too far stretched but it’s still extremely important that I get the letter asap because already next months benefits are going down down down because the percentage of disability is wrong. So it’s really important I get this sorted out as soon as humanly possible.

Then I met with my care worker for an hour and it was more of a positive meeting than we normally have.

Then I went to go to the mental health group which runs for 3 hours, but wow, this was 2.30pm already and I’d been out since the morning going to all of these meetings and hardly having breaks in-between and not eating or drinking like I need to so I decided to go to the group for an hour and then buy vegetables on my way home so I can make a salad for dinner and go home, take a shower and rest a bit and take it easy. I was way too exhausted to stay for the group which is a shame but I was mentally exhausted too because of all of the meetings and not just physically also, so I decided to look after myself and stay for a bit, compromise, but then to go home and rest.

Now it’s evening and it’s been good to chill. Have more things on my agenda tomorrow, meeting with my social worker and going to work, so hoping for a good sleep tonight.

The usual

Things here are pretty much the same as usual. I still don’t manage to see things clearly at all. Everything kind of blends together and if I’m asked how things are then I honestly sometimes don’t know how to answer. I don’t know why it’s like this. I feel so much confusion and weirdness, I don’t know why I can’t separate things out clearly. I end up feeling seriously confused and my thoughts are so jumbled up it annoys me like crazy.

So far this week I’ve been really busy with various appointments and other things. I can actually only manage to go to work once this week because of all the appointments I have. It’s a super busy week.

On Sunday morning I went for blood tests. This is the regular blood test I have to do once a month to check my liver function and do a complete blood count because of the antibiotics I am taking. Everything was fine with the blood tests and within normal range. The blood test results for my liver came back OK, actually better than last time after the scare so that’s fine.

I’ve been running around doing other things too, like taking my laundry to be done as I have no washing machine in my apartment, then collecting prescriptions, meeting with my care worker 3 times a week (4 times starting next week), cleaning my apartment, going to the mental health group twice a week, signing another 3 months for my apartment, etc. And today I met with my psychiatrist, went to the company that deals with rental assistance for those that receive benefits and gave them a copy of my new contract for the apartment I rent so that is set up so I receive an amount of money from them each month to help with that. Then I went to the tuberculosis doctor and got my (finally!) last month worth of antibiotics. Finally, I have just one month left of the antibiotics, after taking them for 3 months so far, so I’m looking forward to getting that over and done with.

The meeting with my psychiatrist today was extremely frustrating and it really quite upset me. I told myself to not go in there and blab on about the meeting I had last week with the psychologist and that in my opinion, it didn’t go good. But of course, in my true style of being an idiot, I got in to it with my psychiatrist and told him all about it and from that didn’t really come nice things or a pleasant conversation by any means. He said maybe this is just her opinion, that regular one-on-one therapy isn’t going to help me and maybe she will decide that I will do just the DBT in which it’s only group skills once a week and you don’t get a one-on-one therapist too which is also extremely important but they don’t offer it for some reason. But I said many things to my psychiatrist in today’s discussion and gave my reasons as to why I think I want and need this one-on-one therapy and heĀ  seemed to agree more with me and said that he would speak to her about it. BUT, I didn’t want it to get to this point. I don’t want him to speak with her yet. It’s not like that is what she has decided or anything so it’s just making things more complex before they even need to be and I don’t like it. Like I am going behind her back and then he goes to talk with her and I’m not there for the conversation and I don’t know what she is saying and what he is saying and it’s just not nice. But it was my fault for bringing it up with my psychiatrist today, I told myself to just say it didn’t seem to go that great with the psychologist, but that we will see what happens. And if he would have asked me why, then I would have said that I don’t want to speak about it now and I will just see what happens with her in the next couple of weeks. But no, I ended up getting so wound up about it with him that then we were arguing against each other also and it just shouldn’t have gotten to that point.

The psychiatrist asked how things are and dare I be negative again, I either answered his questions but said something else and actually didn’t answer specifically what he was asking, or I answered but missed out big things. I just felt today that after we’d spoken about the deal with the psychologist, I didn’t want to open my mouth and screw up again. I’ve also had enough of complaining even though I am told it’s not complaining, I know that it is. It’s not that I have to ‘suck it up’ and just get on with it, but you know what? This is what this psychiatrist says basically. I was just in a head fog with him and told him hardly anything. Nothing about flashbacks, the nightmares, the anxiety being a bit better but still a problem, lack of appetite from morning until the evening, the constant chatter and arguing with myself in my head (which I tried to explain but he didn’t understand) and that I am going to be seeing my care worker more in the week because things are difficult, and that I am back to dealing with the rape case, and lots of other things that I am struggling with. And I walked out there like I’d not even managed to answer one questions simply to him. It was totally confused and all over the place.

I could have just let it go and say OK, I’ll see him in another 2 weeks time and not to worry about it, but we said in today’s meeting that he will write me a letter for the benefits people to do with the percentage of disability being too low that they have given me because they don’t know my situation for 3 months now. And because the last time I met with him, I met with him and my social worker together, we didn’t talk about how I am feeling and what’s going on (he just sat and shouted at my social worker for not helping me!), and I had only one meeting with him prior to that which is now a month ago and he’d only just started working at the mental health centre then so he hadn’t known what’s been going on for 2 months already too. So then after I saw him today I thought, no way, I can’t leave it like this because the letter he is going to write is not going to be in accordance to my situation and how it’s been for 3 months pretty much because he simply doesn’t really know. Then I was fretting about it and the usual crap started going around in my head that this is now all going to screw up because of it. It’s not that I intentionally avoided answering his questions when I met with him today, I just didn’t manage to answer clearly or didn’t say enough and he didn’t have the time to sit there and try and delve more in to my mind and get the answers and as I was waffling about things that weren’t even connected to his questions, he just lost his patience and went on to the next question and at the end, nothing was really answered like it needed to be.

So I decided to write a list and call him and explain to him that there are things he needs to know, not just in order to write the letter, but in general, things he needs to know. He was too busy to talk a couple of times but I finally got him at a good moment and ended up sounding like a robot and listing these things that I am finding difficult. Like the anxiety still, the crying in the evenings and during the night when waking up from nightmares, the flashbacks and triggers that I have been experiencing in the last month or two to do with the rape, stuff with my mum that’s going on now after not being in touch with her for a year, a year since the suicide attempts, the nearly year since losing my friend to suicide, and a couple of other things. He’s normally a really nice guy, the psychiatrist, and is sympathetic and kind, but he was a bit rough with me after I told him these things. He got really short with me and blunt and it wasn’t so nice. Then I felt like even more of an idiot that I had called him to fill in the big blanks even though I only meant to do this for the better, so that he knows and understands more and that I know that is the case and that things are clear. I only meant good from it. But he did the whole DBT thing on me saying that I need to learn how to deal with all of these things and they are not going to go away and I ‘simply’ need to carry on and the way he worded things was like he was pissed off at me for me complaining and was like that horrible thing when people say ‘chin up’ and huff and puff at me because I’m ‘complaining’.

I know that I probably annoy the absolute hell out of all the people that give me care and I HATE IT with a passion. This is why I just shut off mentally in today’s meeting with the psychiatrist. But that didn’t get me anywhere and I saw it wasn’t good so I only tried to rectify it but then it went and flipped the other side and I ended up sounding like my usual moany self that everyone has had enough of listening to. Seriously, I may not be 100% right in saying this, but I know that to a large degree, it is true. I know it’s getting me nowhere to just sit and moan about things and that things need to just be changed, but nothing is changing and I’m not progressing, nothing is really being worked on, I am floating along in the same crap each day, etc etc, and nobody really wants to hear me any more and my horrible defeatist and negative attitude. I feel it from everyone who is giving me care now. It’s a really horrible feeling and I am left feeling alone and misunderstood and I end up hating myself for it and having loads of regrets about how all these meetings turn out. I feel then more hopeless and more helpless. Then I feel like I can’t change, that I don’t manage to, that I don’t know how to, but on the other hand, there isn’t anyone helping me to sort through these issues and I don’t manage to change things by myself. I feel like this could just go on and on and on the same. BUT there is a stopping point with this and that’s either me giving up with EVERYTHING to do with mental health, just shutting myself off from it, stopping going to appointments, stop medications (that aren’t keeping me stable or doing anything anyway really), and just getting away from all of this because it’s so overly frustrating and I don’t seem like I am getting anywhere with anything in this field. Or I just kill myself and be done with it that way. Oh boy, how much I understand why so many people with BPD kill themselves. I understand SO much. And I’m not saying that it’s OK of course, it’s awful. But the suffering and all the shit that goes with BPD is truly awful and therefore suicide doesn’t shock me at all. I could easily become another number too and that’s not to be counted out.

Tomorrow morning I am going to the rape crisis centre to meet with a woman there who is going to help me write a letter to someone in the court that works for the government and request that they reassess my complaint and investigate more. There’s simply no way that a proper investigation has been carried out according to what I do know, which is very little on his/the other side of things. I went once to the police at the beginning to make the complaint and gave them details of what happened and the photos and other evidence and they had been sent the results from the rape kit they did on me in hospital, the photos, my clothes, etc and the gynaecologist’s report which I know at least stated ‘there is no doubt concerning this case that ‘A’ went through a very aggressive attack’… And more. Then the police spoke with him and only upon that did they decide afterwards a few months later to close the case and not take it any further than that. My question is, I only spoke with the police once when I made the complaint, then they spoke to him BUT then they never came back to me even once to ask more questions which could have been raised as to how he answered and what he said happened. How can they therefore make a decision upon just trusting in what he said to them without coming to ask me about it? No way. And photos of me covered in blood and my apartment covered in blood, and I gave the police his chewing gum he’d put in my bin on the night and the unwashed glass he had drank from, and when the rape centre took DNA and my clothes, I was still in the same clothes and I hadn’t showered still so surely there’s his DNA in several things. No way did he deny being at my apartment but somehow the animal has wiggled his way out of it and it shocks me to think how he managed to do that. So that’s tomorrow morning to do which I am not looking forward to as I haven’t spoken about the details of it since December a week after it happened when I told the police the details so now I need to go in to it again. Ugh.

Then after that meeting I have to go straight away to a meeting with the psychologist and see how this second session goes with her and I sincerely hope that the conversation that she will have now had with my psychiatrist isn’t going to screw things up even more and make things really awkward and she may be put off of me even more now because of this. I’ll just see what happens and do my best and be honest. I don’t want bad feelings. I want a good connection with her. I want to do the therapy. I want the help. I need the help.

Then it’s just on and on with the mental health group, a couple more meetings this week with my care worker, a meeting with my social worker, work on Thursday for the 4 hour shift… And to be frank, it’s all pretty shit. Sorry. Here I go again, right? Negativity. I just can’t end this post on any positivity. Sorry, but I can’t find any positivity right now. Things are just annoying and I am annoying myself and I’m confused and not clear. My head isn’t clear and I’m going from one thing to another in my head. Jumping all over the place. I can’t concentrate and it’s really difficult for me. In the end I feel like I need some numbing out whether it be alcohol and/or self-harming. But I haven’t self-harmed (more than a couple of scratches) since December of last year. And to be honest, as much as I’d actually love to do it now and it’d probably help me, I just have to resit temptation and not do it. Because them I am ‘proving’ to be this loopy BPD person and not myself, a human being that isn’t just BPD. I’m more than that.

OK, just before I hit publish and I’ve received an email from my mum. She’s playing mind games and is pissing me off big time. I won’t even go in to it. All the complexities. I purely hate the situation with her and it’s not easy to know what to do, especially when you have such a confused and unclear mind like I do.

I think I’m back

I had a bit of a ‘check-out’ yesterday and this morning. It was more than just being a bit disconnected, perhaps dissociated, but quite strongly. I can’t say that I am happy to ‘be back’ though. It’s a very unpleasant feeling to be ‘out of it’ and for things to be weird and unreal. Or rather that I was unreal AND what was around me was unreal too. Like I’m not alive and real and everything around me isn’t real life either.

The last few days have been a bit stressful for me even though I have had successes too, somehow it all mixed up inside of me and caused me to feel like my head and world was spinning around. The positive is that I managed to go to work 3 times this week. I have been working in the sheltered work for 2 1/2 months and every week I managed to only go once, so to now manage to have gone 3 times this week is a real success. The negatives was the meeting with the psychologist which really affected me. Since Wednesday my mind has constantly been ‘chatting’ away and my thoughts go from one thing to another and there seems like there is no end to it. It was too much for me to take and then yesterday (Friday) I isolated myself and actually haven’t been out since Thursday 5pm and now it’s 7pm Friday. No doubt it was the isolation that made me ‘check out’ a bit plus the constant head chatter was seriously annoying me and exhausting me out physically and mentally.

I’m going to my sister’s tomorrow for lunch, and talking about food, I’ve kinda lost it the last few days with that and haven’t had the energy or motivation to even cut up a salad for myself to eat. So I have cereal in the morning with my meds and then a majority of the time don’t eat until the evening and instead of eating a decent meal (small and a bit light but I can’t do big hot meals right now), I munch on a few things like whole-wheat crackers with cheese and then drink a glass of fresh orange juice and maybe something else small. But by the time I go to bed I am hungry and so I have a glass of milk or something to get me through the night.

I’m not particularly happy to be back ‘with it’ even though the dissociation is rather unpleasant. I haven’t felt dissociation like that since December 2013 when I went in to it after the rape so it was a bit of a surprise. But I felt very strange this time and it was more than just my senses being off and strange but also having weird thoughts and delusions. Now I’m back and facing real life and it sucks. Sorry to be negative, But you know me by now. This isn’t life but I can’t seem to make anything of it. I do the crap on my schedule for the week, I go to all appointments like meeting with my care worker 3 times a week and social worker once a week and the psychologist once. And I managed the work. But asides from that, my life is nothingness. And even what I do is like nothingness. I get nowhere with it. I’m just drifting along in nothingness. Carry on like this is not going to get me anywhere. I’m just drifting and I can’t continue drifting on doing what I am doing. I honestly don’t know what the answer is. I remember saying to the therapist on Wednesday that ‘I hate life’. No wonder why she was turned off of me! But it’s true. I unfortunately only see this going one way (OK 99% chance of it going this way) and that is in me killing myself.

I just want to ‘check out’ again and not have to think about anything or face anything. I don’t want to think about life and the present moment and/or my future and I don’t want to face anything else. I however know that if I ‘checked out’ that much that it would mean 1. hospital and 2. recommendation again to go to live in a hostel… But in a weird way I don’t really give a damn about anything right now in accordance with how boring life is and how I drift along disliking it all every day. I feel like ‘losing it’ a bit even though I have no control as to whether that will happen or not. I just don’t care. I don’t care right now even though I am still doing everything I should be doing like attending all the meetings etc etc. But that’s not life still. I’d love to smash up a chair or something, or punch the wall until I break my hand or what, I don’t know.