Since coming out of hospital last Monday, things have been a bit weird. The good news is that it’s been a much better situation to come back to than I was concerned about.
Sometimes I’m feeling drunk on this new medication they gave me that I take according to need and not every day. It’s a fuzzy haze of a drunk feeling. Banging in to things. And all the rest if it. Slurred speech! I promise I haven’t drank any alcohol since leaving hospital. Even the Seroquel makes me feel giggly and drunk. Maybe it’s the mix of them or something but I did finish the 4 months worth of tuberulosis antibiotics a couple of weeks ago and since then the medications seem to have a stronger affect on me. Dare I say, there are days where I am feeling very calm and even content. But that’s been the last few days and not all the time, but I do see a change for sure.
A couple of times I had the restlessness and agitation which is like crawling in your skin like you need to get out. It’s a horrible feeling. Just can’t stop moving and physically awful. But I lay down or try to do something and if it doesn’t work then I take meds and they kick in after 30 minutes or so, so that is what I do.
Other weird mixed mood situations or straight up moods.
I saw my psychologist on Wednesday and I was quite frankly, out of it. No alcohol involved. I don’t remember it all but I remember being off track and not connected to what she was asking and what we were talking about. I wasn’t doing it on purpose. For example she said ‘because… Because…’ And it cracked me up laughing so much it was silly. It reminded me if the Alice in Wonderland where it says ‘because, because, because, the wonderful wizard of Oz’. Really not funny and I have seen that movie for probably more than a decade.
As the meeting went on, she saw I was on a different planet mostly and I could see from the way she was looking at me she was wondering what was going on. And even I sat there thinking this is a bit peculiar because therapy sessions never go like this. But I didn’t catch on to all of it because my memory was in and out and I wasn’t concentrating, so things weren’t so clear to me. My therapist ended up telling me to come back on Friday which is a day in which only emergency staff work there, literally one psychiatrist and a cleaner and security guard, that’s it! So I kind of knew why she was asking me to come back so I said OK.
I went back on Friday and was back to the slight normality I have in my life and personality (!) so things were OK. But these weird states and well, weird. It’s like all the time I have more and more different states of mind and being, which obviously is the most common symptom of BPD. But I am experiencing new moods and feelings I haven’t before and they are so much more intense now. I do worry about it.
To go backwards a bit. Last Tuesday night, I head voices twice. One whispering my name twice and the other I can’t remember. But I was definitely awake when I heard the whisper and it was from outside of my head and not my own thoughts. At least that is how it seemed. All I wanted to do was go to sleep and then that happened and it really shook me up and irritated me and bothered me so much that I couldn’t fall asleep for a while. I’d told my psychologist about this too and was kind of drunk stupidity as it was in that same meeting, but she was concerned about it too. And in whatever way I said it, I said that I am worried too because what if the voices command me to do something and I do it? I say this because I’ve heard voices twice before. One back in December when I entered dissociation and the other a year ago when I tried to end my life and I was in hospital. When I attempted to take my life, after I was concious again, the voice started and over and over 24/7 saying “just kill yourself, just kill yourself” etc. Again, it didn’t feel like it was my thought even though I was suicidal. It was like I had to fight the voice saying what to do because I didn’t want to be suicidal etc. That went on for 6-7 days hearing that voice and it was terribly disturbing.
About the voices. They have all been at times when I have extreme stress. So the doctors and psychologists have said it’s just a severe symptom of BPD. You can read the same online too. You can have visual delusions too, seeing things that aren’t real and this has happened to me at least twice also. Scary.
I went back to the mental health centre for an assessment post-hospitalisation and the discharge paper from the hospital said about decreasing the amount of Seroquel I receive which is 600mg a day, a large dosage for my diagnoses and issues… But they said because of the voices and possibly visual delusions too, it is not a good time to decrease the Seroquel because it is meant to help with things like this. It could be even worse if I lowered this med now.
So I’m going between physical differences too. Exhausted, to having better energy, more motivation and I am succeeding in doing more in my schedule so far. Not everything, but slowly slowly, I hope to get there. I feel rather drugged quite a bit, like now. But I can’t let it stop me from doing things even though I feel like I need to crash in bed. I’m not sleeping well at night, nightmares and disturbances in my ow mind (!) and that was even before they added this new medication. It’s just situational, I know.
Met with my care worker today and then went to work. I managed to stay 3 of the 4 hours of the shift which is me progressing. I know it doesn’t sound a lot, but as long as I am progressing then that is the most important thing. I’ve gone twice so far to work this week which I haven’t even managed to do for several weeks. And I’m meant to be going this Thursday too, so that will be the 3 shifts I am meant to do per week and that will be a big achievement for me if I do that. I’m accepting baby steps. I fight with myself so much to go to the work for example. I have the devil on one shoulder telling me not to go and just go home and rest in bed for an hour and then waste my time doing whatever the rest of the day and be isolated. Then the angel on the other side telling me and being honest that it’s not easy, but going to work is very important and giving the reasons as to why going home would be a bad idea. And it worked out to be true. I was there 3 hours and sat at a table with some other workers and one of the managers and even had a decent time and a bit of socialising never hurt anyone.
I didn’t even want to go home after work because I know that would be me in bed from 3.15pm all through the afternoon, evening and night. Not good. So I went to the mall. I have like, no money to spend on things, and I haven’t treated myself to anything in a real long time. I miss that so even though I should be saving all the money I have, I decided to get a couple of things. As the weather is changing and is a bit chilly in the evening I got a real nice Nike hoodie zip up top. And I got a set of earrings (silver with black stones in) which were on offer but stainless steel and good quality. Like the equivalent of just under $15 USD. And $10 USD equivalent on some art bits and pieces which I like using. And that’s it. Nothing too crazy!
So it’s good. I’ve been doing art alone in my apartment and actually succeeding to do that! I’ve enjoyed making 2 pieces on 2 small canvases. And today I succeeded in things and also went to the mall and treated myself a but which feels and is nice! And now I am in my apartment, it’s time for a shower, dinner (ugh, cooking, ugh!) and some TV/movie to watch on my laptop.
Hope everyone is well.