Kinda drunk

Since coming out of hospital last Monday, things have been a bit weird. The good news is that it’s been a much better situation to come back to than I was concerned about.

Sometimes I’m  feeling drunk on this new medication they gave me that I take according to need and not every day. It’s a fuzzy haze of a drunk feeling. Banging in to things. And all the rest if it. Slurred speech! I promise I haven’t drank any alcohol since leaving hospital. Even the Seroquel makes me feel giggly and drunk. Maybe it’s the mix of them or something but I did finish the 4 months worth of tuberulosis antibiotics a couple of weeks ago and since then the medications seem to have a stronger affect on me. Dare I say, there are days where I am feeling very calm and even content. But that’s been the last few days and not all the time, but I do see a change for sure.

A couple of times I had the restlessness and agitation which is like crawling in your skin like you need to get out. It’s a horrible feeling. Just can’t stop moving and physically awful. But I lay down or try to do something and if it doesn’t work then I take meds and they kick in after 30 minutes or so, so that is what I do.

Other weird mixed mood situations or straight up moods.

I saw my psychologist on Wednesday and I was quite frankly, out of it. No alcohol involved. I don’t remember it all but I remember being off track and not connected to what she was asking and what we were talking about. I wasn’t doing it on purpose. For example she said ‘because… Because…’ And it cracked me up laughing so much it was silly. It reminded me if the Alice in Wonderland where it says ‘because, because, because, the wonderful wizard of Oz’. Really not funny and I have seen that movie for probably more than a decade.

As the meeting went on, she saw I was on a different planet mostly and I could see from the way she was looking at me she was wondering what was going on. And even I sat there thinking this is a bit peculiar because therapy sessions never go like this. But I didn’t catch on to all of it because my memory was in and out and I wasn’t concentrating, so things weren’t so clear to me. My therapist ended up telling me to come back on Friday which is a day in which only emergency staff work there, literally one psychiatrist and a cleaner and security guard, that’s it! So I kind of knew why she was asking me to come back so I said OK.

I went back on Friday and was back to the slight normality I have in my life and personality (!) so things were OK. But these weird states and well, weird. It’s like all the time I have more and more different states of mind and being, which obviously is the most common symptom of BPD. But I am experiencing new moods and feelings I haven’t before and they are so much more intense now. I do worry about it.

To go backwards a bit. Last Tuesday night, I head voices twice. One whispering my name twice and the other I can’t remember. But I was definitely awake when I heard the whisper and it was from outside of my head and not my own thoughts. At least that is how it seemed. All I wanted to do was go to sleep and then that happened and it really shook me up and irritated me and bothered me so much that I couldn’t fall asleep for a while. I’d told my psychologist about this too and was kind of drunk stupidity as it was in that same meeting, but she was concerned about it too. And in whatever way I said it, I said that I am worried too because what if the voices command me to do something and I do it? I say this because I’ve heard voices twice before. One back in December when I entered dissociation and the other a year ago when I tried to end my life and I was in hospital. When I attempted to take my life, after I was concious again, the voice started and over and over 24/7 saying “just kill yourself, just kill yourself” etc. Again, it didn’t feel like it was my thought even though I was suicidal. It was like I had to fight the voice saying what to do because I didn’t want to be suicidal etc. That went on for 6-7 days hearing that voice and it was terribly disturbing.

About the voices. They have all been at times when I have extreme stress. So the doctors and psychologists have said it’s just a severe symptom of BPD. You can read the same online too. You can have visual delusions too, seeing things that aren’t real and this has happened to me at least twice also. Scary.

I went back to the mental health centre for an assessment post-hospitalisation and the discharge paper from the hospital said about decreasing the amount of Seroquel I receive which is 600mg a day, a large dosage for my diagnoses and issues… But they said because of the voices and possibly visual delusions too, it is not a good time to decrease the Seroquel because it is meant to help with things like this. It could be even worse if I lowered this med now.

So I’m going between physical differences too. Exhausted, to having better energy, more motivation and I am succeeding in doing more in my schedule so far. Not everything, but slowly slowly, I hope to get there. I feel rather drugged quite a bit, like now. But I can’t let it stop me from doing things even though I feel like I need to crash in bed. I’m not sleeping well at night, nightmares and disturbances in my ow mind (!) and that was even before they added this new medication. It’s just situational, I know.

Met with my care worker today and then went to work. I managed to stay 3 of the 4 hours of the shift which is me progressing. I know it doesn’t sound a lot, but as long as I am progressing then that is the most important thing. I’ve gone twice so far to work this week which I haven’t even managed to do for several weeks. And I’m meant to be going this Thursday too, so that will be the 3 shifts I am meant to do per week and that will be a big achievement for me if I do that. I’m accepting baby steps. I fight with myself so much to go to the work for example. I have the devil on one shoulder telling me not to go and just go home and rest in bed for an hour and then waste my time doing whatever the rest of the day and be isolated. Then the angel on the other side telling me and being honest that it’s not easy, but going to work is very important and giving the reasons as to why going home would be a bad idea. And it worked out to be true. I was there 3 hours and sat at a table with some other workers and one of the managers and even had a decent time and a bit of socialising never hurt anyone.

I didn’t even want to go home after work because I know that would be me in bed from 3.15pm all through the afternoon, evening and night. Not good. So I went to the mall. I have like, no money to spend on things, and I haven’t treated myself to anything in a real long time. I miss that so even though I should be saving all the money I have, I decided to get a couple of things. As the weather is changing and is a bit chilly in the evening I got a real nice Nike hoodie zip up top. And I got a set of earrings (silver with black stones in) which were on offer but stainless steel and good quality. Like the equivalent of just under $15 USD. And $10 USD equivalent on some art bits and pieces which I like using. And that’s it. Nothing too crazy!

So it’s good. I’ve been doing art alone in my apartment and actually succeeding to do that! I’ve enjoyed making 2 pieces on 2 small canvases. And today I succeeded in things and also went to the mall and treated myself a but which feels and is nice! And now I am in my apartment, it’s time for a shower, dinner (ugh, cooking, ugh!) and some TV/movie to watch on my laptop.

Hope everyone is well.

I’m home

As I can imagine, people would be shocked to see the title of this post, and I guess I am too!

Well, I am home and out of hospital. I came out this afternoon and now have been home for a couple of hours and I’m glad to have peace and be able to rest to be honest. Even though you rest (way too much) in hospital, this is just different obviously. There is no place like home.

I was going to go in to everything in detail like I always do but isn’t always so necessary but I deleted it and will try to keep it short.

I basically met with my psychiatrist they appointed me with at lunch time today and it was the one I was with for a few months at the end of last year in the mental health centre. She’s really nice. We spoke for an hour and it was all swings and roundabouts and I guess my BPD got the best of me and the more we spoke, the more hopeless things seemed and I just decided at that point that suicide it will be. I know. Extreme right? Eventually we got to the point of saying I shouldn’t be hospitalised for 3 weeks. We said that of course the emergency department where I was at for 5 days was needed and that’s not in question, but another 3 weeks now in the open ward, is not a good idea. She said that without me saying it and I did agree with her. She called my social worker and care worker and told them the situation and they agreed that this process of rehabilitation should be done outside of hospital and it can’t even be done inside. If they’re not doing anything with my medications and the fact that the 5 days really helped me to calm down and pass the bad crisis, then I should just go home. Everyone agreed and I said ‘it’s got to be today, like now, if you can’ and I got antsy, once the decision has been made, I couldn’t stand being in that hospital for another hour longer or even over night until the next day. So the psychiatrist wrote my discharge letter and did all she needed to do very kindly, and that was it, I was out within an hour and then got a taxi home as a treat because that bus journey is hell. And here I am. I went food shopping as I had nothing in my apartment, I just had dinner and now it’s 7.30pm and it is going to be a relaxing evening. I am calm and relaxed.

Nothing is simple, decisions, everything. But there was a reason as to why I was really unsure and I really do think the right decision has been made.

And what does it come down to? Basically me doing everything on my schedule even though I don’t really enjoy any of it… This is the rehabilitation that I have to do and I have to accept that. My level of acceptance in all of these things has been extremely difficult for me because it’s so less of everything than I used to be able to do. Example, working in hi-tech on a big wage and now sitting sealing nylon bags for 4 hours a time. It’s VERY tough for me to take and accept and do… But I have to accept this is it. I can not work a regular job now. At least in the normal sense of a ‘regular’ job. I’m still looking for work from home things and even part time work but then things become tricky when I have to go to an interview for example and I sit not being able to talk, let alone breathe because of the anxiety. And that’s just one issue. I can’t, at this point, commit myself to a job. And all the rest of it. I’m not happy about it at all. It’s very upsetting for me…

But with all of these things, like I say, I have two choices here, or three…

1. JUST DO IT – easier said than done and I have not managed to do this the last 4 months since I started this process but now is the time.

2. DO NOTHING – Just stay in bed most of the time, rot away, get worse most likely.

3. KILL MYSELF – This one needs no explanation.

So I just have to do it. If I don’t then I will go downhill like I have been doing and will end up back in the emergency department again for a few days and I don’t want even that and I never see me going to a longer hospitalisation again that is longer than several days. That has to be it with that and everyone sees it is not good for me and doesn’t help.

So much easier said than done but I have no other option here and I know that I don’t want all this struggle and fighting to be in vain and I’ll just end up killing myself.

I wish there were other options but there aren’t at this point, so this is it. I can’t even say I wish their were options because that’s just continuing on the negativity.

That’s it.

Thank you for everyone’s support. I know it’s one hell of a ride, I really do. Wow, I do. But I was in a real bad and dangerous place last week and I am still glad that I went in to the hospital for those 5 days. It helped me a lot to calm down and I see that now and again, when in crisis, I need that break and some time in the future, probably too. My psychiatrist today said she can still see obviously things are still extremely tough for me but I’ve just got to push on and that’s it.

Three weeks

So I have until the end of September here in hospital. So 3 weeks and 2 days to be precise. The head of the ward told me today.

I’m very confused, dare I say, and am extremely cautious and worried about everything. I’m worried so much about making things worse. Then I tell myself they are pretty bad so it’s not like I’m making anything up. It’s all overwhelming and I’m not sure what to focus on. It is quite depressing being in hospital and I wonder if I should just cut my ties and leave. But it’s not that simple. It’s never that simple. I do feel like a lot of my issues should be resolved on the outside because whilst I am also here, I am limited to what I can do as I’m not outside and at home. On the other hand, I do hope that I can learn some tools here which I always feel like I so desperately need but don’t seem to get from anywhere.

I have a DBT skills book for example and have had it for a couple of years. I look at that and try to put things in to action but I have real issues with DBT. You know, coping technique = eat your favourite ice cream. I mean, I can see the idea behind it but it’s different to actually do it and it doesn’t seem to help at all. And coping statements to tell myself when I am in a state like ‘I have been through this before and I will go through it again and it will pass’. Well, sorry but I’ve had enough of being in a total state and suffering so much from it and so how can I accept such a thing and tell myself ah it’s OK, suffer for a day or a few days and then you’ll be back to being just on a slightly lower level of crisis and depression and anxiety and all that crap. Acceptance. That word. Acceptance. I can see some reasons as to why it’s all about acceptance, well, as they suggest. But to be frank, I’ve had enough of the day in day out struggling so much and suffering that I would actually prefer to die than to accept this rubbish for the rest of my life. Or even another year or two! I’d rather kill myself! So what ya gonna say about that?! I am NOT prepared to go through this minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, and so on. Yea, year by year.

Today was a lot of waiting around to be received in the other ward and this and that but eventually worked out. I have patience most of the time in fact with most things. Just no patience in seeing how this illness that causes all of these symptoms and everything is going to even gradually go away or be less intense and all the rest of it.

I spoke with a social worker that I’ve seen around but never spoken to before. She said she will be working with me whilst I am here. You either get a psychologist or social worker whilst you are here and they decided to focus on more of the day to day life things, social things than therapy because there’s not so much you can do in 3 weeks with therapy. I agree that they chose the social worker. I am meeting with her on Tuesday but am not sure how many times a week. I do hope it’s twice a week because 3 meetings is nothing!!!!! I’ll ask about that.

Then I sat with the head psychiatrist for a couple of minutes. She said she’s looking at the medications I am on and said I am on so many which are meant to help calm me down and I am not calm! I was like ‘yep, agreed’. Then she said that I am on 600mg of Seroquel and said what a high dosage that is and I said ‘yep, agreed’. (You see how this is going right!?). She said quizzically hoping that I would say no ‘but these medications are not the same that you were on when you left hospital 4 months ago?’. I said ‘same medications exactly’. And the psychiatrist said ‘oh. Hmm. OK’. I don’t know where this was going but I said that I am on a lot of medications and not so happy about that. They were all added at once together 7 months ago (7 months ago!) and honestly, since then I have met with 2 different psychiatrists every 2 weeks since and NOT ONCE have they said to look at the medications I am on. Even that ivd been going downhill. I’m not saying even to add or take away. Even to check the medications I am on and see that I’m being blasted with strong meds at high dosages and to maybe think to decrease them because these doses are usually what people are on whilst in hospital and are not continued longer term.

The psychiatrist said that we know medications aren’t the answer and even more so with me. I said ‘yep, agreed’. Then she said maybe the medications I am taking are actually helping me and I had a little sarcastic chuckle which obviously meant WTF, can you imagine what I’d be like if I wasn’t on them?! But the sarcastic little chuckle said enough. The psychiatrist said that no way this and no way that and no way that and it got me worked up and upset. Then she said we have to find other ways to calm me down. I said I do a lot of techniques and have done for 3 years. OK, maybe not enough but deep breathing/meditation for example which is a big one, I do for 30 minutes, it calms me most of the time, I get up and shabang, I am back in the state I was before.

So this got me all upset. I know it was irrational to get upset because what else do I expect the psychiatrist to say to me?! If meds aren’t going to be altered and they aren’t even a tiny thing that can help, and I’m left with putting f***ing ice cubes in my hands, eating ice cream, even doing art which I can’t sit doing for so long each time. So what do I expect?!

The way she spoke was like hopelessness and helplessness and frustration and crap basically. I feel like there is nothing really left to do asides from go over the same rhetoric telling me to do deep breathing and go for a walk then shower then do deep breathing.

So I don’t see anything changing (as in being able to be changed) and therefore I am in hospital for no reason. Then I am out if hospital and living day to day like this for no reason. Nothing changes or gets better. So what can the only option be?

I carry on suffering like the hell that this is OR I die in whichever way, and not in the long term as in dying at the age of 70, 60, 50, 40 or even…. Let’s say, 33 years old.

I have 4 years left and that’s even too much.

Let’s make it 31 years old. So 2 years for some changes to happen. Not a total turn around but some real graspable positive changes in different areas of my life.

OK, fast forward 15 minutes…

Today I’ve spent a lot of time writing two separate lists so that when I am asked things by staff etc, I can hopefully therefore answer clearly and thoroughly. One list is more of a list of symptoms, such as depression and then a list of symptoms I have because of the depression. Then anxiety and the symptoms and on and on. Then I did a list of life issues right now that are causing the depression and anxiety and so-forth like the rehab work and my issues with that, the mental health group and my issues, family connections and relationships, lack of friends entirely and so on. I see it’s a bit difficult to separate all these things so when I did the first list of symptoms, I realised that they are going to ask me why I am then having these symptoms so then I did the second list.

I’ve just come to get my 8pm meds and there is a new head nurse here that I’ve never met but seems nice. She came around the rooms before and saw me sitting writing these 2 full A4 pages of lists. She asked how I am doing and said she saw me writing and I just said to her that I am confused. I saw that she could take it the wrong way, confusion, I guess it’s a broad thing and not necessarily my type of confusion. She asked me if I want to sit and talk with her and I said that would be nice yes please. So I’m waiting for her now. Now starts the explaining and seeing what the staff say. I’m prepared for it all and want just honestly and of course advice would be nice.

EDIT: OK. Nurse said to wait 15 mins max to speak to her and I waited 1 1/2 hours and our convo never happened. She saw I waited and whatever I won’t go in to it but I asked for my sleeping pill after I had waited and she said nothing to me. Bad memory for a young lady! Whatever. It’s OK. It happens. Just would have been nice to have spoken after intense day.

I kept that simple

Me: Good morning

Head psychiatrist: Good morning. How are you feeling?

Me: (nod as if to say a bit better but so-so)

Head psychiatrist: So you are moving to the open ward today

Me: Yes

Head psychiatrist: You can get your things ready to move over now

Me: OK, thank you for everything

Head psychiatrist: Bye

Me: Bye

——

Now comes my (most ideal) hopes for the future…

Gravity

The gravity puts a strain on my shoulders, like very heavy boulders.

Release the pressure, let me fly, let me be at peace up in the sky.

As light as a feather, as free as a bird, flying high being unheard.

Silently drifting, so uplifting, no care in the world, totally untwirled.

Out of the knots, that keep me in place, I hope this again, I will never face.

Release the pain, it’s forever ended, I’ve come to the point, eternally mended.

I fly up high, the air here is pure, for once I have become very sure. I found the cure. I’m no longer on the floor. My life is no longer a bore.