What more can I do than I am doing right now?
I’ve been out since 10.45am. I met with my social worker for an hour, then went to work and did a full 4 hour shift and then I met with my sister and have been at hers since 8.30pm and now I’m home and it’s 9pm.
It went OK with my social worker but nothing comes out of it. I told her a few things and she confirmed that she agreed with me. Like I told her that I feel my psychologist isn’t giving me enough feedback and tools and speaking in general. We could sit there for like 15 minutes and she will never start to talk. I feel like she needs to take more of an active role. I can’t take an active role and even if I am the first one to talk and mainly to talk… I’m just all over the place and there is no point in it. At the beginning, when I started with this psychologist, she asked what kind of therapy I think I need. I told her this… That I need CBT type stuff and more of a 2 way conversation and working together to try and make positive change and to work on things from the past so that I can move forward too. Anyway. That was one example of what I spoke with my social worker about. Fine. But whilst it’s good to be able to have this opportunity to speak about these things and talk them through, I have my care worker 3 times a week in order to do this with… So what am I doing with a social worker? Maybe I should ask her upfront. I don’t see as her job title ‘social worker’ that she is helping me in anything that can be included in that field.
So then I managed to stay at work for the entire shift which is a success. Nothing more I could have done there.
Then I met with my sister and went to her apartment. I’m then with family and it doesn’t mean that it’s all easy with family, as I am sure with a majority of people, even these relationships can be a bit difficult or however you want to term it. So her two young girls were behaving really badly and my sister tried all things to try and get them to behave or just stop the worst of it, and unfortunately, kids are stubborn! But then we ordered pizza and my sister and her husband bought for all of us so I was thankful for that. They obviously know about my money situation and that I never get any treats whatsoever and I couldn’t even chip in a bit for the pizza. I just can’t do it.
And now it’s 9pm and I am home.
I feel… Seriously… Awful.
I’ve been feeling like this all day, regardless of me succeeding to do all that was on my schedule and it has been a long day out. So people say to be busy and not alone and it’s good to be with family (and we don’t have issues really, it’s ‘nice’), and good that I went to work and succeeded to do all the shift when I was SO close to cancelling everything in the morning because I had another awful night sleep, actually worse.
I feel so depressed. I really do. And I am getting in to this agitated depression where I feel like I have the capabilities and enough energy (negative energy) to go and do something to myself. I am so close to something. I have had enough. On my way home from my sisters there was an ambulance with the lights and sirens on crossing a main junction and I thought to myself how twice I was sent to a main hospital to get stitches from self-harming and to be assessed by a psychiatrist. And I did that. And this person is probably in this ambulance because the poor person has had a heart attack or something. And there is me pissing around cutting up my arms until I see the lumps of the fat deep down in my skin.
Guilt, desperation, hopelessness, helplessness. I could go on. But I won’t.
It’s just like my best is not good enough. And I am in no way content in any shape or form in what I am doing. But that’s the problem. It is my level right now so I can’t possibly do anything else. I just find it so awfully hard to accept this situation for what it is when I was the one 4 years working in a high-tech company for 4 years earning a load of money and not necessarily happy, but still a big difference to how I am now.
It feels like everything has been turned upside down. Whatever I had or whatever capabilities I had in the past have all gone. And no, nothing else is coming back to me. So what about this whole ‘have patience’ thing? How much patience can I have? I am doing all the professionals are telling me to do and nothing. Just nothing. What has happened in the last year since I left the UK and came back here? Well.. My best friend ended her life by jumping off of a building (yea, try and get the visions of that out of my head) and I was raped.
YEA, REAL PROGRESS.
And now the professionals are being weird with me and are making meetings longer and longer apart even though the situation is rather bad as it has been for a few weeks now. I was seeing my psychiatrist once a week, then once a fortnight and now once every three weeks. I felt his frustration build up in him more and more sitting with him and therefore it doesn’t surprise me that he’s seeing me less now. And now my psychologist, I have been seeing twice a week. It’s meant to be once a week but she made time every Friday morning for the last 2 months at least to see me extra. And now these two people and my social worker and another couple of people (the manager of the mental health centre) at the beginning of this week… And since then.. They are all backing off from me. I’m not just being paranoid. Now all of a sudden my psychologist can’t see me twice a week. She said she can’t meet me that extra Friday morning for at least 3 weeks and no other day either. I feel this shit going down.
I will say honestly, I am not overly attached to the professionals what so ever. It’s not like this is why they are acting like this. I think they are giving me a BPD label and maybe said in that meeting behind my back that they should spend less time with me and not make extra time and other things like this. I never asked for extra time or longer meetings. Never once. Even my psychologist asked me a couple of months ago if I want her cell phone number so that I can call her out of hours if I am feeling really bad. And I said thank you but no. I said that I have a lot of people trying to help me and they are working hard enough as it is that they also have their own lives outside of work… And I didn’t say no to her to try and prove something. I honestly mean it. I don’t request anything on top of the standard of what I should be receiving. And hell, I could be requesting a ton of stuff, but I’m not. So this is not an BPD attachment issue or something. It just feels like they either/and/or think they can’t help or that it’s too much or that they have enough other people to help and/or maybe they can help them better than they can help me, so it’s not fair others are waiting for therapy and seeing the psychiatrist, so not to spend more time on me.
Call me a Borderline, but all of this does make me feel more hopeless and helpless and my hope is getting less and less. And I know it’s not all down to them to somehow magically fix things.. But I am REALLY trying and like I say, I’m doing all I can do and am ‘meant’ to do and I am feeling no better by doing it. I feel nasty. Pure nastiness.
I won’t go on.
If something happens intentionally or not then my suicide ‘document’ is ready. And I am not therefore saying that I am going to end up killing myself. I am not suicidal now. I just feel I need some crazy release, to cut or burn. And not do it lightly.