I’m taking time out, a little
I can’t face things. I don’t want to. I need a break before things become too much for me.
But it’s not that simple, because in me taking a break, it’s not me going to a hotel in another part of the country and then taking time out from my monotonous and boring, unfulfilled timetable of a life that I am leading. If I had money for that, then I would do it. I’d go and stay on the Mediterranean beach front somewhere for a few days just to take in some seaside air and have some quiet time where I don’t need to think about things.
Instead, I am in my apartment and avoiding things. I know that this isn’t healthy however, but I don’t see that I have any other option right now. I have no opportunity to go off to a hotel somewhere by the seafront and shut off that way. If I had the money then I would. But I can’t. So this kind of isolation, it is. It’s not at all for the long term and it’s nothing really, because I know that if I do it for too long then I will start to lose it which I don’t want to do either. I’m doing it until I start to feel uncomfortable with it and then I get out for as bit and reconnect and then come back and do it for a bit longer.
I met with my care worker yesterday and wasn’t in good shape. I was crying and whatnot, which I haven’t been like with her for a couple of weeks probably. I see that she doesn’t like the negativity and she literally sits there in silence and doesn’t say anything to me. It’s not that I am seeking that from her but I can’t say that her reaction, or non-reaction really helps whatsoever. It actually does more harm than good. I’m not really interested in this approach. This is the approach that my family would take. Just sit in silence with me and not know what to say and sometimes all it takes is a hug or pat on the back to make me feel a bit better. It’s not that I am relying on them to take out a magic wand and take all my troubles away, obviously not.
After I met with my care worker yesterday, it was 2pm and I had the mental health group at 2.30pm-5.30pm. I really didn’t want to go, but even then, I knew that it wouldn’t be good to just go home and get in to bed. I wasn’t even at the point yesterday at 2pm of feeling and deciding that I want a bit of time out. The group was difficult for me but I did stay until the end. I don’t know how I do it, but I put on a mask there and everyone thinks I am reasonably OK. Nobody else there is in a ‘bad way’ at all. They are mostly ages 40+ and they haven’t been in psychiatric hospitals and had crisis and day to day problems since they were in their teens and 20’s. In fact, all of them are like this. They are on medications but are almost totally stable and they are past the years of being in therapy and whatnot.
I got home from the group and had a shower. I did my usual where I lay in bed and I have the laptop on the chair next to my bed so I lay on my side and watch documentaries and movies sometimes for hours and hours. That’s what I did last night from 5.45pm until I went to bed.
Now, this is the awkward part of the blog post that I don’t want to keep a secret from you all, even though I would like to! I watched a documentary yesterday and it wasn’t so anti-psychiatry, but it spoke about the DSM and what an awful thing it is. It didn’t say that mental illnesses don’t exist, but it said about how there are all the time, hundreds and hundreds of mental illnesses added to the new versions of the DSM and now there is a medication for nearly everything and there was a LOT to this documentary, not so simple, but I don’t want to get in to all of it really. It just totally proves how psychiatry and psychology has gone mad. Yes, they have gone mad and not necessarily the people. Now, I am not preaching, but if you want to know why I have decided to do what I have started to do which I will explain in a minute, then you can view the documentary here: The DSM: Psychiatry’s Deadliest Scam. (PS, I’ve actually been thinking and even writing on my blog about the medications I am on and that I am not happy with it for various reasons, so it’s far from being just because I watched this documentary, as to what I will write now….)
I will say about this documentary, that it is NOT IRRATIONAL, it makes a lot of sense. It is not trying to say that all of psychiatry should be banned and medications shouldn’t be given. It just says that because of this book, things have gone way too far and it’s not surprising that the people that have written the DSM, a small group of men and women in a little room, making these huge decisions, for example, 56% of them have connections with pharmaceutical companies and therefore, the more money the pharmaceutical companies make, the more money they make as they are invested with them. Again, the documentary is specifically only about the DSM and the harm that it is doing to our society.
When I was in hospital last, the psychiatrist I had there decided to change all of my medications. It went like this.
Psychiatrist: OK, anger, shifts in mood, depression, anxiety, problems sleeping, impulsiveness, self-harm… And all things BPD. I’m going to put you on Wellbutrin, Lamictal, Seroquel, Clonex, Imovane. Those are the medications you are going to start from tomorrow.
There was no further discussion and this happened 6 months ago. Since, in the last 6 months, he has not even looked at the list of medications I am on. It worked out that he was my psychiatrist in hospital and then I was referred back to the mental health centre for outpatient and he came to work there and ended up my psychiatrist again. For me and my diagnosis, I am not happy to be taking these medications when this is NOT a science, it is guesswork. Total guesswork. And seeing that he has not even looked since about my medications because not only he knows but I know too that he’s just thrown me on a bunch of medications in the hope that they will work for me in some areas, I am not prepared to carry on taking all of them. I am not going to come off of all of them, because I actually do see that this guesswork, in some cases, is actually working. I’m not going all anti, don’t worry. But for the first time in my 4 years of taking psychiatric medications, I am taking my own action in very carefully coming off a couple of medications.
I know how to taper off very carefully. In fact, I will say that in the past, my psychiatrists have many times taken me off of something way too quickly and I had horrible withdrawal affects. I went back to my doctors and said this and that I know it’s because of coming off of the medications too quickly and they just shrugged me off. I then took it upon myself at least twice to go back on the medications and gradually taper off and with no surprise, the withdrawal side affects went and I came off of them and was absolutely fine. I worked out myself to quarter the medication for several days, then take another quarter off for another several days etc etc. That was with Clonex for example.
So, I am staying on the Wellbutrin 300mg because I think that is taking the edge off of the depression so no changes there. The Lamictal will stay the same for now and I know already that I have to be very careful with this but I will taper off of this incredibly slowly and carefully. I’m on 200mg, and I can precisely cut the pills which are the disolvable ones in to quarters and only take 25mg away each 10 days or so. The Seroquel I am reducing now. It’s such a powerful drug and I don’t want this poison in me when I know it isn’t helping with anything. It was added at the beginning to just help me sleep and the doctor said I’ll be on 50mg at most. All of a sudden I was on 600mg, and for BPD and my symptoms, it is highly unnecessary. I am on 200mg in the morning and 400mg at night. I am now taking 200mg in the morning and 200mg in the evening so I cut this from 600mg to 400mg straight way. But in my experience with this medication, the difference between 600mg and 400mg isn’t so great. Especially that I take both in the morning and in the evening so my body shouldn’t go off whack because of this too. So I will go down to 200mg x 2 a day for the next 7 days at least and then 150mg in the morning and 200mg in the evening for 7 days, then 150mg x 2 a day for 7 days, then 100mg x 2 a day for 7 days and then decide on whether I will possibly continue that at 100mg x 2 a day and maybe not come off entirely. Because I know I don’t want to have withdrawal affects even though the plan is to come off really slowly, in comparison to the past where I have been taken off of 600mg within literally a week! I’ll see according to my body and how I am feeling. With the Clonex I take 1mg x 2 a day, I want to cut this out taking every day because I know that my body is used to it and it is no longer helping with the anxiety so why take the med!? I’ve tapered myself off before with Clonex so I know how careful and slow you have to be, but the body expresses a lot and you can feel a lot if you are coming off too fast from it, so I will every several days reduce by 0.25mg each time. The sleeping pill I may keep most likely, at least for now.
And the reducing in medications I am doing one medication at a time so that if I don’t feel right or I do actually see that the medication was helping me in the end, then I can go back on it and leave it as it is. I am not saying that I am 100% right about all of them, and like I say, I’m not totally anti and I’m staying on the anti-depressant as it is and a couple of others too. I’ll see how it goes.
I know, I know.. Doing this without the ‘direction’ of a psychiatrist seems not good and whatnot… But I will say first of all, like I mentioned earlier, I have been taken off of medications so fast in the past, each time by my doctor at the time, it has affected me badly. SO I therefore know to come off very slowly and carefully. Second of all, my doctor knows and says to me that the medications are in most cases not doing anything to help with my symptoms but he is just blaze about it and has an attitude like ‘ah, just stay what you are on’ without knowing anything about what I am taking and it being just a guessing game and I am not prepared to be on so many medications which are not good for the body and not helping. If I knew they were helping but aren’t good for the body, like the liver, etc, then I would even compromise and stay on them if I knew they were helping that much, but they are not. So I am harming my body and spending money for no reason. Thirdly I would say that according to my diagnosis and what I have decided to come off of, I am not at risk for psychosis for example where in a huge majority of cases, you really do need to be on medications to ensure that that is under control. I have BPD and the biggest problem is depression which then can cause me to feel suicidal and self-harm etc. And that is why I am staying on the anti-depressant because I know that it is helping with the intensity of the depression. If I had a serious set of symptoms that need to be kept in check by medications then I would carry on with the medications no questions. But it is known with BPD that medications are hardly the answer. I am not 100% against, as I have proven in this post… That’s why I am saying that I won’t come off of the anti-depressant because I am no fool to think that I can come off of everything.
And that’s about it. I know people will have perhaps strong opinions about what I’ve decided to do but like I say, I am going to do it carefully and I am not going to lie to myself if I see in the end that perhaps the medications are helping and in that case, I will go back on them and not question it any further.
I’m in my apartment today and decided not to go to work because of what happened the other day. I want a day off from that place. I don’t want to get triggered again and go back and feel bad again and for it to all happen again. Even if it may not happen like that, I have decided to just avoid it all all costs in case.
I’m going to be in touch with my sister and see about visiting them later on when the kids come from kindergarten. My sister stopped working yesterday for maternity leave as she is due to give birth any day now. I’d much rather not involve myself today in anything mental health related and whatnot and see my family instead and the rest of the time, be by myself. (EDIT: Spoke to my sister and she said today is no good for her so can’t see them today, oh well).
Anyway, I’m back tomorrow in mental health action (!), meeting with the psychologist in the morning, then meeting with my care worker and then have the mental health group. I’ll see which of those I will do. I know 100% that I will go to the therapy session with the psychologist, but concerning the ‘care worker’, I don’t necessarily want to meet with her right now in the next couple of days perhaps. And the mental health group, I don’t necessarily want to go to either just not tomorrow and I will go back next week. I was meant to be going to the rape crisis centre tomorrow morning and they were going to help me write the letter to the lawyer who dealt with my case and ask her to reopen my file of complaint. In the end, the woman at the rape crisis centre knows the lawyer quite well through her work and she spoke with her and the lawyer who has been given the title of ‘one of the good lawyers out there!’ has asked if we want to meet face to face to talk about it instead of me just writing a letter to her. So we’ve decided to do that. But a date isn’t set yet but it should be within 2 weeks from now for sure.
OK, I’m in and out of bed, and taking it easy. Now I’ve been up for an hour or so, it’s time to go and lay down, do some deep breathing and take some time to try and empty my mind of everything and recharge my batteries.