I got up early in the morning and travelled in to town to meet with two women at the rape crisis centre. The two women were very nice. We didn’t talk about any details about the rape at all, just what procedures happened and who I spoke with and details like that. The women were in shock, but not shocked unfortunately about how the process went with me. They said the same as me that how can I have only spoken once to the police and then they spoke with him and then never came back to me to speak to me again. They said no way is that a thorough enough investigation, that is totally clear.
They told me that they will help me write a letter to the general consul of the court asking for the case to be re-opened and re-examined by the people who work for the courts. They said that the issue isn’t really with them as they can only decide what to do with the case according to what information they are given by the police. It is the job of the police to do a thorough investigation and it’s those people that are to blame for at least not doing a proper enough job and therefore causing my complaint to not be allowed to be taken to court as there was not ‘enough evidence’ to back up my side of things and the women said the police are awful in the way they deal with rapes in that if they see this guy (in this case) seems to have a way of talking that he somehow manages to work his way out of getting in shit for what he’s done, they’ll not even push most of the time to question him more and fight for my side of the case.
The women said it’s a rough rough process in general and especially to do with rape, the stigma and everything is awful and they have seen person after person in the court (victims) be told they are manipulative and lying and who knows what else. Ugh, that’s just awful. I mean really, like I am just doing this for the fun of it!? Like I want to go to court and go through all of this!? I’m just doing it for fun!?
So that’s that. I am meeting with one of the women next week again in order to write the letter and then I will need to tell her literally every tiny detail of the rape and what happened before and after and then after with the police and on and on.
I then met with the psychologist for the second time. OK, I take it back. Everything has worked out OK. In a way yes and in a way no. It’s kind of confusing and I don’t fully understand, but I’m going with it for now. Basically the psychologist looked in to about the DBT they also offer at the mental health centre and found out that they do now offer one-on-one therapy alongside the DBT skills group. So you have two meetings a week. But there’s something weird about the ‘waiting list’ as in, there is no waiting list as such… If you need it then the DBT ‘people’ are told and you get it, but you can’t start straight away because there are no places. It’s really silly and confusing and like I say, I don’t understand. When I was at the mental health centre about 9 months ago they said I need the DBT and that I will be put on the list but it’s a very long wait. Then I was told 3 months ago that I am still on the list. And now this psychologist basically doesn’t know what she’s talking about it seems because it didn’t make sense in what she said. So she ended up saying that if I could start the DBT now (which I can’t anyway!), then she wouldn’t be able to do the one-to-one therapy with me alongside the DBT group skills because there are only a couple of psychologists that are trained in DBT that you can do the one-on-one with. So she ended up saying to me today that we will do a year of individual therapy together and that’s it. I’ll just see what happens. It doesn’t make sense to me so it makes sense to take what I am given now which is very important to me too and work hard at it and dedicate myself to it fully.
I REALLY succeeded in putting things toward the psychologist today that proves I am more than just a BPD diagnosis. She asked about my childhood and I told her some stuff which dates back to when I was literally a baby… and I spoke about life in general and how it was for me hitting 13 years old and the self-harming starting and alcohol and weed and how it was with my friends, just everyone’s lives messed up and abusing substances and being unhappy and changing things all the time in my life and saying SO many times that ‘this is the time for change’ and then me still not managing to find any form of being happy, let alone content. And having no aims for the future. Nothing to look forward to, to aim towards. No ideas what to do with myself. Total actual blankness and emptiness rather than confusion for once! It’s not that I have any ideas of what to do with my life but I just don’t know what direction to take and that I just can’t decide, it’s that I literally have nothing here to work with and it’s therefore just utter blankness and unknown.
So the meeting went well and she asked if I write and I said I do (but didn’t say a blog), so she asked me to bring stuff to her that she can read and therefore get to know me better and quicker. She has perfect English actually so I did end up speaking to her in English and it means that I can obviously give her anything in English too which helps because without my native tongue, I can’t really sit and express myself clearly and enough and it’s a hindrance to the therapy, so I think I’ll just stick to English actually.
I then went to my psychiatrist who told me that he will have written the letter for me by today so I can collect it from him, the letter for the benefits people to ask that they raise the percentage of disability I have in accordance with my situation. I waited 30 minutes for him until he finished with one of his patients and then knocked and popped my head in the door and smiled and said hello and I could see he was just mega stressed with his workload, the poor thing, and he said that he hadn’t written the letter yet, that he physically has had no time to do it. I’ll leave it a couple of days at least and then delicately ask him about it! Of course I understand that he is mega busy but on the other hand he did say to me that he will do it within a day, which is a bit too far stretched but it’s still extremely important that I get the letter asap because already next months benefits are going down down down because the percentage of disability is wrong. So it’s really important I get this sorted out as soon as humanly possible.
Then I met with my care worker for an hour and it was more of a positive meeting than we normally have.
Then I went to go to the mental health group which runs for 3 hours, but wow, this was 2.30pm already and I’d been out since the morning going to all of these meetings and hardly having breaks in-between and not eating or drinking like I need to so I decided to go to the group for an hour and then buy vegetables on my way home so I can make a salad for dinner and go home, take a shower and rest a bit and take it easy. I was way too exhausted to stay for the group which is a shame but I was mentally exhausted too because of all of the meetings and not just physically also, so I decided to look after myself and stay for a bit, compromise, but then to go home and rest.
Now it’s evening and it’s been good to chill. Have more things on my agenda tomorrow, meeting with my social worker and going to work, so hoping for a good sleep tonight.