So as is probably clear, I’ve been on a decline in the last few days. And as I have spoken about, it’s all a bit weird to me. Especially the last several weeks with such wild changes and not you’re regular hourly or daily changes. I do feel like something is awry. But I don’t know what.
This morning I woke up and once again, I felt my mood and whole being just being rather flopped and still going downwards. It’s not like I can call it depression, even though it is depression, but more of what I am feeling is SADNESS. It’s like an overwhelming sadness about things. If you ask me what, then I would probably say ‘err’ before answering.
This morning I got up as regular and took my pills, had breakfast and opened up my laptop, and there it was, the tears.
I just sat with a constant stream of tears coming out. I was breathing calmly and I felt mostly calm. It’s difficult to explain what came over me. It’s like the last few days all getting too much and kind of piling up on each other until I guess this was bound to happen. And so it did.
I thought it was probably time to call my psychiatrist who I have been avoiding in calling in order to arrange to meet with him. I actually haven’t seen a psychiatrist since coming out of hospital I guess a month ago. My heightened mood and strangeness kind of made me want to avoid him and not see him. If I was feeling OK then I felt like I didn’t want to go and sit with him and what if I would open up those can of worms and crash again? I never felt rather decent like that mood-wise in this entire 4 years. I know I shouldn’t therefore think it’s OK to not see my psychiatrist, I should see him in any state that I am in. Not only sadness means something. Feeling happy can mean something too! And not that it is necessarily good!
So I called my psychiatrist and he was like ‘wow, A, where have you been? I haven’t seen you in a long time! Where did you disappear to?’. And I can’t say that I wanted to get in to it with him on the phone so I just said ‘finally, I am here’. He asked how I was and I drew a blank. I said I don’t know. So he said does that mean in a good way or a bad way or a really OK way? I said that it’s perhaps a bit more complicated to get in to now again on the phone so we will speak about it. And that’s about it. It’s not that I am avoiding talking about the 3 or so much better weeks I had, I will tell him that when I meet with him… It’s just kind of mixed up and like I’ve been writing, not so clear and whatnot.
I met with my care worker today and I also started streaming with tears. She asked why I was crying and I said I am sad. I feel sadness. What else can I say? I don’t know. But I have had a lot of things starting going around in my head like all the (actually) traumatic things that happened last year when I was hospitalised in the UK. And my friend ending her life a year ago and everything is coming back to me in pictures and things are playing out in my head as to what happened in the UK and playing out and thinking at which height did my friend jump to her death? I obviously don’t want to think about these things… They’re really intrusive thoughts.
So maybe that’s why I am sad. I can’t say it’s something in particular. I feel a simple sense of sadness over me that isn’t going away. Yet, at least.