Time out…

I’m taking time out, a little

I can’t face things. I don’t want to. I need a break before things become too much for me.

But it’s not that simple, because in me taking a break, it’s not me going to a hotel in another part of the country and then taking time out from my monotonous and boring, unfulfilled timetable of a life that I am leading. If I had money for that, then I would do it. I’d go and stay on the Mediterranean beach front somewhere for a few days just to take in some seaside air and have some quiet time where I don’t need to think about things.

Instead, I am in my apartment and avoiding things. I know that this isn’t healthy however, but I don’t see that I have any other option right now. I have no opportunity to go off to a hotel somewhere by the seafront and shut off that way. If I had the money then I would. But I can’t. So this kind of isolation, it is. It’s not at all for the long term and it’s nothing really, because I know that if I do it for too long then I will start to lose it which I don’t want to do either. I’m doing it until I start to feel uncomfortable with it and then I get out for as bit and reconnect and then come back and do it for a bit longer.

I met with my care worker yesterday and wasn’t in good shape. I was crying and whatnot, which I haven’t been like with her for a couple of weeks probably. I see that she doesn’t like the negativity and she literally sits there in silence and doesn’t say anything to me. It’s not that I am seeking that from her but I can’t say that her reaction, or non-reaction really helps whatsoever. It actually does more harm than good. I’m not really interested in this approach. This is the approach that my family would take. Just sit in silence with me and not know what to say and sometimes all it takes is a hug or pat on the back to make me feel a bit better. It’s not that I am relying on them to take out a magic wand and take all my troubles away, obviously not.

After I met with my care worker yesterday, it was 2pm and I had the mental health group at 2.30pm-5.30pm. I really didn’t want to go, but even then, I knew that it wouldn’t be good to just go home and get in to bed. I wasn’t even at the point yesterday at 2pm of feeling and deciding that I want a bit of time out. The group was difficult for me but I did stay until the end. I don’t know how I do it, but I put on a mask there and everyone thinks I am reasonably OK. Nobody else there is in a ‘bad way’ at all. They are mostly ages 40+ and they haven’t been in psychiatric hospitals and had crisis and day to day problems since they were in their teens and 20’s. In fact, all of them are like this. They are on medications but are almost totally stable and they are past the years of being in therapy and whatnot.

I got home from the group and had a shower. I did my usual where I lay in bed and I have the laptop on the chair next to my bed so I lay on my side and watch documentaries and movies sometimes for hours and hours. That’s what I did last night from 5.45pm until I went to bed.

Now, this is the awkward part of the blog post that I don’t want to keep a secret from you all, even though I would like to! I watched a documentary yesterday and it wasn’t so anti-psychiatry, but it spoke about the DSM and what an awful thing it is. It didn’t say that mental illnesses don’t exist, but it said about how there are all the time, hundreds and hundreds of mental illnesses added to the new versions of the DSM and now there is a medication for nearly everything and there was a LOT to this documentary, not so simple, but I don’t want to get in to all of it really.  It just totally proves how psychiatry and psychology has gone mad.  Yes, they have gone mad and not necessarily the people. Now, I am not preaching, but if you want to know why I have decided to do what I have started to do which I will explain in a minute, then you can view the documentary here: The DSM: Psychiatry’s Deadliest Scam. (PS, I’ve actually been thinking and even writing on my blog about the medications I am on and that I am not happy with it for various reasons, so it’s far from being just because I watched this documentary, as to what I will write now….)

I will say about this documentary, that it is NOT IRRATIONAL, it makes a lot of sense. It is not trying to say that all of psychiatry should be banned and medications shouldn’t be given. It just says that because of this book, things have gone way too far and it’s not surprising that the people that have written the DSM, a small group of men and women in a little room, making these huge decisions, for example, 56% of them have connections with pharmaceutical companies and therefore, the more money the pharmaceutical companies make, the more money they make as they are invested with them. Again, the documentary is specifically only about the DSM and the harm that it is doing to our society.

When I was in hospital last, the psychiatrist I had there decided to change all of my medications. It went like this.

Psychiatrist: OK, anger, shifts in mood, depression, anxiety, problems sleeping, impulsiveness, self-harm… And all things BPD. I’m going to put you on Wellbutrin, Lamictal, Seroquel, Clonex, Imovane. Those are the medications you are going to start from tomorrow.

There was no further discussion and this happened 6 months ago. Since, in the last 6 months, he has not even looked at the list of medications I am on. It worked out that he was my psychiatrist in hospital and then I was referred back to the mental health centre for outpatient and he came to work there and ended up my psychiatrist again. For me  and my diagnosis, I am not happy to be taking these medications when this is NOT a science, it is guesswork. Total guesswork. And seeing that he has not even looked since about my medications because not only he knows but I know too that he’s just thrown me on a bunch of medications in the hope that they will work for me in some areas, I am not prepared to carry on taking all of them. I am not going to come off of all of them, because I actually do see that this guesswork, in some cases, is actually working. I’m not going all anti, don’t worry. But for the first time in my 4 years of taking psychiatric medications, I am taking my own action in very carefully coming off a couple of medications.

I know how to taper off very carefully. In fact, I will say that in the past, my psychiatrists have many times taken me off of something way too quickly and I had horrible withdrawal affects. I went back to my doctors and said this and that I know it’s because of coming off of the medications too quickly and they just shrugged me off. I then took it upon myself at least twice to go back on the medications and gradually taper off and with no surprise, the withdrawal side affects went and I came off of them and was absolutely fine. I worked out myself to quarter the medication for several days, then take another quarter off for another several days etc etc. That was with Clonex for example.

So, I am staying on the Wellbutrin 300mg because I think that is taking the edge off of the depression so no changes there. The Lamictal will stay the same for now and I know already that I have to be very careful with this but I will taper off of this incredibly slowly and carefully. I’m on 200mg, and I can precisely cut the pills which are the disolvable ones in to quarters and only take 25mg away each 10 days or so. The Seroquel I am reducing now. It’s such a powerful drug and I don’t want this poison in me when I know it isn’t helping with anything. It was added at the beginning to just help me sleep and the doctor said I’ll be on 50mg at most. All of a sudden I was on 600mg, and for BPD and my symptoms, it is highly unnecessary. I am on 200mg in the morning and 400mg at night. I am now taking 200mg in the morning and 200mg in the evening so I cut this from 600mg to 400mg straight way. But in my experience  with this medication, the difference between 600mg and 400mg isn’t so great. Especially that I take both in the morning and in the evening so my body shouldn’t go off whack because of this too. So I will go down to 200mg x 2 a day for the next 7 days at least and then 150mg in the morning and 200mg in the evening for 7 days, then 150mg x 2 a day for 7 days, then 100mg x 2 a day for 7 days and then decide on whether I will possibly continue that at 100mg x 2 a day and maybe not come off entirely. Because I know I don’t want to have withdrawal affects even though the plan is to come off really slowly, in comparison to the past where I have been taken off of 600mg within literally a week! I’ll see according to my body and how I am feeling. With the Clonex I take 1mg x 2 a day, I want to cut this out taking every day because I know that my body is used to it and it is no longer helping with the anxiety so why take the med!? I’ve tapered myself off before with Clonex so I know how careful and slow you have to be, but the body expresses a lot and you can feel a lot if you are coming off too fast from it, so I will every several days reduce by 0.25mg each time. The sleeping pill I may keep most likely, at least for now.

And the reducing in medications I am doing one medication at a time so that if I don’t feel right or I do actually see that the medication was helping me in the end, then I can go back on it and leave it as it is. I am not saying that I am 100% right about all of them, and like I say, I’m not totally anti and I’m staying on the anti-depressant as it is and a couple of others too. I’ll see how it goes.

I know, I know.. Doing this without the ‘direction’ of a psychiatrist seems not good and whatnot… But I will say first of all, like I mentioned earlier, I have been taken off of medications so fast in the past, each time by my doctor at the time, it has affected me badly. SO I therefore know to come off very slowly and carefully. Second of all, my doctor knows and says to me that the medications are in most cases not doing anything to help with my symptoms but he is just blaze about it and has an attitude like ‘ah, just stay what you are on’ without knowing anything about what I am taking and it being just a guessing game and I am not prepared to be on so many medications which are not good for the body and not helping. If I knew they were helping but aren’t good for the body, like the liver, etc, then I would even compromise and stay on them if I knew they were helping that much, but they are not. So I am harming my body and spending money for no reason. Thirdly I would say that according to my diagnosis and what I have decided to come off of, I am not at risk for psychosis for example where in a huge majority of cases, you really do need to be on medications to ensure that that is under control. I have BPD and the biggest problem is depression which then can cause me to feel suicidal and self-harm etc. And that is why I am staying on the anti-depressant because I know that it is helping with the intensity of the depression. If I had a serious set of symptoms that need to be kept in check by medications then I would carry on with the medications no questions. But it is known with BPD that medications are hardly the answer. I am not 100% against, as I have proven in this post… That’s why I am saying that I won’t come off of the anti-depressant because I am no fool to think that I can come off of everything.

And that’s about it. I know people will have perhaps strong opinions about what I’ve decided to do but like I say, I am going to do it carefully and I am not going to lie to myself if I see in the end that perhaps the medications are helping and in that case, I will go back on them and not question it any further.

I’m in my apartment today and decided not to go to work because of what happened the other day. I want a day off from that place. I don’t want to get triggered again and go back and feel bad again and for it to all happen again. Even if it may not happen like that, I have decided to just avoid it all all costs in case.

I’m going to be in touch with my sister and see about visiting them later on when the kids come from kindergarten. My sister stopped working yesterday for maternity leave as she is due to give birth any day now. I’d much rather not involve myself today in anything mental health related and whatnot and see my family instead and the rest of the time, be by myself. (EDIT: Spoke to my sister and she said today is no good for her so can’t see them today, oh well).

Anyway, I’m back tomorrow in mental health action (!), meeting with the psychologist in the morning, then meeting with my care worker and then have the mental health group. I’ll see which of those I will do. I know 100% that I will go to the therapy session with the psychologist, but concerning the ‘care worker’, I don’t necessarily want to meet with her right now in the next couple of days perhaps. And the mental health group, I don’t necessarily want to go to either just not tomorrow and I will go back next week. I was meant to be going to the rape crisis centre tomorrow morning and they were going to help me write the letter to the lawyer who dealt with my case and ask her to reopen my file of complaint. In the end, the woman at the rape crisis centre knows the lawyer quite well through her work and she spoke with her and the lawyer who has been given the title of ‘one of the good lawyers out there!’ has asked if we want to meet face to face to talk about it instead of me just writing a letter to her. So we’ve decided to do that. But a date isn’t set yet but it should be within 2 weeks from now for sure.

OK, I’m in and out of bed, and taking it easy. Now I’ve been up for an hour or so, it’s time to go and lay down, do some deep breathing and take some time to try and empty my mind of everything and recharge my batteries.

BPD meltdown

As was visible in my last post from yesterday, I’ve been struggling with a lot of things all at once all of a sudden and it’s all been deeply troubling me. It’s put me in a funk, suffering with all different things and me trying to cope with it all and keep it together. I’ve managed to keep it together, but that was me alone in my apartment. But upon waking up this morning, I knew that I had to leave my apartment and face life outside with interactions and all the rest of it.

I met with my care worker this morning. I don’t know why but I didn’t tell her about all the stuff that was going on. I know that she is there to hear about all these things and know them, but I don’t particularly feel like it helps by telling her about symptoms. When I’ve spoken about symptoms before, she often hasn’t known about things like being disconnected, she hasn’t had a concept of what occurs when you feel disconnected. She didn’t know what dissociation was too and other things. I know that to become a care worker, you have to do a course, but you don’t learn about things like this, as silly as it is really, surely, you’d think they would learn more about different psychiatric conditions and symptoms. She even asked me what BPD is. She’d heard the name but said she doesn’t know what it is. Sometimes I tell her about symptoms and it’s like I am literally teaching her about stuff. It’s a bit frustrating because I would expect from a mental health charity with these care workers, that they would have learned about different disorders and what symptoms that come with it.

So I kind of just chat to her about daily things and if things are going on that are affecting me and upsetting me or stressing me out. Last week I managed to describe to her about BPD and tell her about how ‘we’ react like 20 times stronger and longer towards things and it’s extremely distressing and whatnot. Even with the language I managed to describe this to her and I gave her a couple of examples and she said how difficult it must be and how awful to have this happen all the time. I’m OK with ‘teaching’ her about things even though it would be nice if she already knew. But, I’d prefer to tell her and describe things to her so that she knows for the future with me and other patients.

Things today were no different in terms of me being a mess. In fact, worse than usual. I don’t know why. I guess just yesterday wore me out with all that was going on and I was feeling super sensitive today.

After I met with my care worker I wanted to go back home and curl up in bed all day. But I forced myself to go to work even though I kind of felt like it wasn’t going to be so OK and I had a bad feeling about it. But I know that for the most part of 2 days, I had been home alone and it was not going to be good either to go home and be home alone for the rest of the day from 12pm onwards until tomorrow morning when I meet with my care worker again, this time, at home.

So I went to work and normally I help a girl with making greeting cards. I literally draw and cut around stencils, like cutting out oval shapes again and again and again. I feel like a dumb-ass. I wonder what my life has come to that I am having to do this. I wonder how my life turned around so horribly that I go from working in high-tech, to cutting out ovals for 4 hours a time. One of the workers said to me that they need someone to stick the shapes down on the greeting cards and I was wary about it. I said that it’s the other girl’s work and I don’t want to be responsible for doing anything wrong or just getting in her way, I prefer not to do that. They said I can do it and it’s OK so I said OK and that I will do it.

Basically, the shapes that I cut out need to be stuck down and the pieces layer on top of each other to create birds and hearts and all kinds of things. The cut outs are all in different colours and patterns so you need to place them well together so that the cards look nice. One worker told me what to do exactly, and I followed her instructions. I thought that, according to my ‘artistic eye’, it didn’t look that great, but she’d told me to do it like that so of course I did it like that. After 1 1/2 hours of doing it that way, I have another worker come up to me and say that what I’ve done is no good and is not attractive so I’ll have to de-stick them and do it differently. I was obviously kind of annoyed but I took it OK, it wasn’t my fault, so I just said OK and went ahead and changed them to what the second worker told me. Then an hour later, I’ve been doing them differently and a third worker comes over to me and says really sharply and not so nicely ‘that’s no good, that’s not good, they really don’t look good’ and tells me for a f*cking third time they are no good. These workers are not workers like me, they are the actual supervisors of the workplace. I just flipped when she came and said this, not only are they telling me to do it a third different way, but she was rude too after I was sitting there following the example and concentrating and putting all my effort in to do a good job. It just really pissed me off.

I got up straight away and walked out. Then I’m raging inside myself, seemingly calm from outside but they knew I was pissed off big time, I sat outside on a bench and sat there for 5 minutes deciding what I should do. I just didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to argue with them or anything, I was just trying to decide whether I will just go back in and say I want to go back to cutting the stencils out which you can’t go wrong with. And of course I was not thinking that I want to go back in and do the same thing because the three of them have got different opinions of how to put the colours and patterns together. I decided that even though I’d only been at work for 2 1/2 hours out of the 4 hour shift, that I will just go home. I didn’t want to go and face it with them and I really didn’t know what to say. I don’t want to ruffle feathers. I didn’t want bad feelings with the three women. I didn’t want them to argue together. I just didn’t want anything unpleasant to happen.

I walked back in and went to the office where the fourth worker was, the manager, who is really nice… And I was obviously agitated, she could see, but she didn’t know what had gone on. I said that I was going home and she was all disappointed in me which just triggered me even more. I didn’t manage to go to work even once last week because I had so many meetings to go to in which I went to all of them and I did really well to do that. When the manager seemed disappointed, I felt like I didn’t want to leave on these terms where she thinks I just can’t be bothered when I had actually been sitting there and doing my absolute best, just to be told 3 times that I am doing it wrong, they look bad and to do it a different way. I don’t think that was fair on me. So I stood and looked at her and she knew something was up so she asked me what was wrong. My non-calm BPD in me just got sarcastic and bitchy. That’s how I looked. I knew that. And I hated it. She said to come in and sit down and tell her what happened and after she said that a couple of times, I said OK and sat and told her what happened. Then more BPDness, I end up bursting out in tears with my head down on my lap crying my eyes out and hyperventilating. LOL. Don’t you just love BPD?!

Somehow it turned around to the fact that ‘I can’t do anything right’ and ‘what has my life become!?’, ‘I can’t even stick shapes on a f*cking piece of card in the right way!?’. And ‘I hate life, pointless, stupid, sh*t’. etc etc. Mostly without the swearing but I may as well have been effing and blinding. But I don’t do that really at all. The manager said she can see that I am very sensitive and that even triggered me off again and my 3 second break from crying was broken and I broke down again. Then comes the ‘I can’t control myself’, ‘look at the state of me’, ‘I hate this’, ‘I hate life’. Eventually all that rubbish finished and one of the workers came in (the third one) and the manager told her what happened with the greeting cards I was doing and the worker straight away apologised to me and said it wasn’t my fault and it was the fault of herself and the other 2 workers because they all had different opinions about how to do the cards and obviously this is why things ended up like this and it shouldn’t have happened. I told her she doesn’t need to apologise, but obviously, now I sit here and think about what happened, none of it was myself. I did nothing wrong.

The manager said she doesn’t want me to leave but I’d been sitting there sobbing and really wasn’t feeling well so I just couldn’t face going back to doing the work, any work. So I said I’m going because I saw that the boss was pissed off at them and then was expecting me to just suck it up and not overreact, which I know I did. She also wasn’t so OK with me, which she normally is. She usually comes across as being really understanding and stuff but for whatever reason, she didn’t seem like this this time. I said goodbye to the manager and then walked through the work room and didn’t look at anyone to say goodbye or anything. It was really rude of me not to say goodbye to people but I was still crying and I didn’t want people to see and for a big fuss to be made, I just wanted to leave already and forget it all.

Then I came home and got in bed for 3-4 hours and decided to get through the day like that. Oh well.

Anyway, that was today. Ugh. So draining and ridiculous.

Dip

I’m having a real bad dip with various issues today and I don’t feel well at all.

I have deep anxiety in the pit of my chest and stomach and no medications is helping. Several hours after taking my morning medications, the anxiety was even stronger so I took 5mg Valium and another half tablet of the beta blocker which my GP said I can take additionally if I need to. But neither of those have helped and now my stomach is bad and I have so much pressure in my chest and heart, like someone has put a rock in there I am carrying around with me. I feel heavy and all over the place. My heart is jittery and I feel my heartbeat is fast. Whatever I do, nothing is calming it down. Deep breathing just makes me burst in to tears and panic even more. Then I try to just lay and rest and then watch something on my laptop to try and distract me but it’s not helping either.

And everything seems all black today and depressing. I feel really depressed and I’m having bad thoughts of hurting myself and worse than self-harming. I can’t explain it so clearly, it’s like a switch has gone off and I feel a sudden awful low.

It hasn’t been a problem for several months but I’ve had the OCD today pretty badly too. Even several months ago it wasn’t this bad. It hasn’t been this bad for years even and just today came on again like crazy. It started when I was 15 years old and comes and goes but has mostly gone in the last 3 years, as I feel, worse things have taken over. But now it’s this on top of everything else. I can’t stop it today and it’s really annoying me and exhausting me mentally. It’s all to do with numbers and in doing things a certain number of times but it revolves around and around and there is no end to it. If I close my hand for example and I am aware that I have done so, then 4 fingers have touched the palm of my hand in the process, but 4 isn’t a good number even though it’s an even number. So I touch one finger down again and that makes 5. Then I have to do in multiples of 5’s, counting to 10, 20, 30, 40 and 50. Sometimes to 100 maximum. Anyway, it’s hard to explain and includes more things like if 2 teeth touch together that is one, then I have to again do 5 and 5, equals 10 and sometimes that goes to 20 or 50. I really don’t want to get back to this OCD thing. I haven’t had to bring it up in therapy or when I’ve been in hospital for a long time and I’ve got enough things to deal with already as it is.

Then on top I’m having thoughts of what I want to do to the animal that raped me. I think either to go to where he works with a kitchen knife and slash him all over or get him to come to my apartment and act like I want to be with him and then pull out a knife and cut his manhood off.

I only ate cereal today and now it’s 5.30pm and I haven’t managed to eat anything else because my stomach is bad and I feel nauseous and nasty.

It’s all a horrible mix of things today, like everything together and it’s distressing me.

New (additional) blog

The time has come!

I have decided to start another blog alongside this one focussing ONLY on positive things such as taking different perspectives in life, changing what and how we think, being appreciative for what we have and not taking things for granted and general positiveness!

The blog is called Positive Vibez and I hope you will enjoy viewing it! I will mostly be posting images of graphics I will make and have made in the past to do with positivity and some art work too that I have done and that I will do and whatever else comes to me along the way! But you’ll be glad to hear, the plan is to only have one paragraph of text along with each post so the blog will act like a daily quick boost for all of us! Enjoy!

Please feel free to view my new additional blog here >>>

Positive Vibez Blog

Positive Vibez Blog