I’m so bored, it’s ridiculous.
It’s partially my fault and partially not my fault too.
I was meant to meet with my social worker late this morning but she called me before to say that she is sick so won’t be able to meet with me today. I’m meant to meet with her once a week. I didn’t see her last week as I had the family event and she said that she would call me the day before and we would make other arrangements to meet if I could not meet with her on the Thursday. But she never called beforehand so I didn’t see her last week at all. I spoke with her and asked if it was possible to meet with her 2 times this week to make up for the meeting we missed and it didn’t work out so we said that we would meet just once, today. A lot has been going on with the self-harming and the worse anxiety and it seems that my care worker didn’t know about the contract I have with them where they added a clause that I agree not to self-harm (specifically was written cutting). But my social worker knew it was in the contract as she was in the meeting when the document was signed. My social worker told me last week that she had to tell the boss and that he may want to sit with both of us and discuss how they can possibly help me with it so that it (obviously ideally) doesn’t happen again. But the meeting with her didn’t work out last week and now not this week and now she just said to me that next week we will have our regular meeting on Thursday and didn’t say about making up for the missed meetings. I didn’t ask to be honest about the possibility of making up for this weeks missed meeting. I imagine my care worker will tell me that I should meet with my social worker twice next week as it’s important that we cover what has been going on as more has been going on in the last 2-3 weeks. We will see.
Then I was meant to go to the rehab work for 4 hours. Wow, it’s such a block for me. I don’t really have any excuses about not going there asides from it’s mind-numbingly boring, seems pretty pointless, I feel like an idiot there so I’d prefer just not to go and you get “paid” 1 and a half USD an hour which obviously doesn’t add any incentive for me. Those are my reasons as to why I didn’t go today and why I have hardly gone since I have been “working” there for 4 months. I’m told that I should go so that I have more of a routine but it’s so difficult for me because of the reasons I listed and if it was a proper job then I would go because first of all I know that I would be fired if I didn’t go. But because this is a protected workplace, I know that I will get away with it. I’m only meant to go 3 times a week. I know it’s not a big deal. I know that I should just go so that I have a bit more to do in my sparse and boring and unfulfilled schedule. Even with this “work”, it’s totally unfulfilled. I keep slipping back in to bad habits even though I tell myself ‘this week I will go 3 times’. So, dare I say that next week I will go 3 times. I can but try my best.
With a passion, I hate the end of the week. No doubt this weekend I won’t be going to my sister’s at all as family have been here and she probably wants a quiet weekend with no visitors. Understandable. But I’m totally alone. I was at least going to meet with my social worker today but as I said, that was cancelled. So Thursday, Friday and Saturday I am totally alone. I have no friends whatsoever and nobody to be with. I asked my sister today if I could just pop over to get something that I accidentally left at her place and she said it’s not a good time and to get it another time. So I tried to arrange something there but it didn’t work out. So I went in to town and went to the art shop and bought a couple of things, went to the pharmacy to get a couple of things and then came home. Now it’s 7pm Thursday and I’ve been in bed for a couple of hours because of boredom basically. I’ve got the whole evening ahead of me alone, then tomorrow and Saturday.
There’s only so much I can do to try and keep myself busy and distracted. I used to go out by myself quite a bit and not be too bothered about it but these days it’s just unpleasant for me and I can’t really do it much any more. So I’m at home and this is where I have to control myself to not go and get involved in stupidity like going to the local shop and getting alcohol and/or self-harming because it all becomes too boring, lonely and depressing. I did a bit of art before but I can simply not sit for hours doing it. I even loaded up a couple of movies to watch online but I have no desire to watch them. I can’t concentrate and my mind wonders and I can’t enjoy watching them. I watch some TV shows online during the week but I’ve watched all that I normally watch so I’m left with nothing there for now. I have a couple of books to read but also can’t focus and find it incredibly boring to lay there reading words off of a piece of paper.
The only thing I need to do now is have dinner. So that’s one thing to do. Asides from that, I have no idea what to do with myself and what I will do tomorrow and Saturday. It’s like I can’t survive it all. I can’t live like this just wishing that time will pass by fast so that the next few days can be over and done with. I can’t live like this. But on the other hand, I don’t know what to do. I tried to find free things to do because money is an issue and I found nothing to do. Anything that I can possibly do which are likely still not going to happen all cost money that I simply don’t have.
It’s too much time. I don’t think anyone would be able to fill their time enough for 3 days in a row of being alone and in being depressed so not finding pleasure in anything too, and having no money which means less and less options. I don’t want to say therefore I’ll end up doing something silly and regret it because I want to do something that will help me pass the time. I am trying my best not to do anything like that. I know it hardly passes time anyway. Ugh.