I’m in a rather weird state.
About 3 weeks ago I totally switched from daily craziness to virtually nothing. A little anxiety here and there and a little depression… But all of a sudden, a switch just went off.
It’s not that we need explanations for everything in life but it’s just so weird for me and I don’t understand why it happened as there was no trigger whatsoever that caused me to flip like that.
In having said that, it’s weird because I am still doing what I am normally doing. Nothing has changed there. I’ve not started anything new or something. I’ve been going to work a bit more than usual, but that’s just because I’ve been feeling better and I know it’s not that the going to work a but more would have changed things so much.
It makes me think it’s a chemical imbalance. Maybe a diagnosis that I have that hasn’t been recognised or looked in to. It really is that much of a difference I feel like it has to be something to do like that.
How can I have 4 years of constant depression and then seem to snap out of it all so quickly. And like I say, if I actually do start thinking about my life, I do have negative thoughts and I think what the hell am I doing with myself and I am not happy, I feel like I am missing many things in life. You know, I have no friends, I’m in rehabilitation work which pays a pittance and is at a very low level, money is a problem and I am back to getting food from a charity, I still have no direction/s to take in life, I have no plans, I feel like I am living for no real reason. Maybe just for my family.
I can’t explain this. It’s too strange to try and explain.
I’m still, after a month now, waking up during the night and am awake for a few hours and then mostly manage to get back to sleep for a while. But I don’t feel tired from it. In fact, I do have tiredness but it doesn’t seem that it’s from how I slept that specific night. I can sleep well one night and the next morning I can be on my laptop and I can hardly keep my eyes open.
Nothing makes sense. It really doesn’t. Like I’m pretty much a different person. But like I say, I do hold back on saying that I have ‘totally’ switched or am really a different person, because I’ve still have had a few times of difficult anxiety… But overall, still WEIRD!
What can I say?
I am carrying on and doing what I am doing and am putting all my effort in, but I’ve been doing that for 4 years. Nothing changed there either.
I wish there was an explanation for this.
The only thing that I can explain quite easily is that I feel very paranoid about the guy who raped me. He works 5 minutes from where I live and as I live on ground level, I fear that he will come to my window and do God knows what. If he has the potential to rape someone, then most likely he has the potential for other things. It’s been bothering me a lot. But I don’t think this is paranoia that doesn’t make sense. It’s obviously a real and possible one. The only paranoia I have is about insects now. Here, we can get big cockroaches and they are BIG. I’ve only had one in my apartment and that was a few months ago. It was at night and I had the light off and outside was totally quiet. I actually heard the cockroach walking over the edge of my mirror because they are so big and I turned the light on and low and behold, it was a cockroach. I’m talking like 2 inches long. So I’m in constant paranoia about insects too, but hey, once again, it’s not like it’s actually an irrational thing to be scared about. I HATE those cockroaches. They are so big and fast, you have to hunt them down for an hour or so before being able to get it out of your apartment. But maybe my paranoia is too much? I don’t know.
I know that I’ll get a telling off here perhaps but at least I am not doing this when I am feeling BAD. I should really have been in touch with my psychiatrist after I left the hospital last, which I guess was a month ago. I’m meant to see him every 2 weeks. But because how weird things are and how better they are, I’ve not been in touch with him because I guess I am afraid we’ll do a ‘wow’ type meeting and I’m scared of falling down again. I’m not sure if I can express to him how I have been feeling. I’ve hardly managed to here, really. So I’ve been wanting to leave it with him for now because I haven’t felt the need to see him. In the end, if something changes, I can still go to him and tell him what happened then and now. But this strangeness is continuing and it’s not that I WANT it to be something, like another diagnosis or something, but I have a fear that it could be unidentified or not even questioned. Anyway, I’ll call him tomorrow because it’s just going on for too long now and I know that even if I am feeling better that I should see him. He needs to see me in all situations. But this is certainly a FIRST.