In hospital

I met with my care worker today and spoke with her about the situation. It’s gotten worse over night and my agitation levels have gotten higher and it feels very unsafe like I’m not really in control.

I decided to go to the psychiatric hospital to request to be assessed and request to be in the emergency department for a few days I hope in order to be in a safe place and calm down and rest and have help whenever I may need it 24/7.

My care worker kindly drove me to the hospital and stayed with me throughout. She’s lovey. She really is.

The assessment didn’t go easy. The doctor asked to look at the self-harm burns that I did and said if I am doing things like that then I need to be in the other hospital in the closed ward. I said to him that I feel I do not need to be in the closed ward otherwise I would request it or I would simply not reach out for any help and self-harm at home and even keep it quiet. But that I am being honest and open and requesting what I think I need and can help me short term as I hopefully pass it.

The doctor said OK but that each morning a nurse will check the whole of my body and if they see I have done something then I will go straight to the closed ward. I said I have no problem with that.

They said I will be here until I hopefully pass the more intense thoughts to hurt myself and do unhealthy things to try and calm myself down. They wouldn’t say for how long as they said it’s according to my situation but my care worker asked and she said a few days and the doctor said something like that yes.

So I am trying to accept this for what if is even though I obviously don’t want to be here but I am trying to reach out for help and if that means to be in hospital for a few days then so be it. That’s the situation.

And now all the emotions are coming out which have been stuck for quite a bit as I have been trying to hold it together. So I’m sitting here crying on my hospital bed but I hope it will help to let all of this out and be in a place where I can only do that and know I can only do that and not be at home with so many things available that can be ranging from just unhealthy up until doing more stupid things and it even being dangerous and taking things too far.

The nurse called me now to answer a ton of questions and I was crying throughout but she was very nice and said to go to her if she can do anything for me. All of the nurses are very nice. There is only one nurse on each shift because there are only a couple more patients here so it’s very quiet.

So that’s it. The DR asked me what I want the plan to be and I said I can only see short term which is just being here for a short time and I can only try my best with the help I have outside and hope for gradual change. He said nothing about medications which didn’t surprise me. And that’s that. This DR knows me and I felt his frustration as he sees I haven’t made progress since I was here back in December last year. It’s really not an easy situation. Nobody has ideas really, let alone plans.

Next thing to do is tell my family I am here which I am sure they won’t be shocked at but it still sucks to tell them. But I know it’s not about them and it’s about me and I am doing the right thing so that’s that.

Much love guys. Oh how I want to report good things. Better more positive things. Changes. Slight improvements. Something. Just something. But… Yup. Nothing hey.

Going to cry in to my pillow now. Cry it out.

It’s more than just a bit of this and that

I’m not suicidal in the sense of making plans exactly and stuff like that. Even though I have started this art book which is basically turning out to be a ‘suicide book’ which will be left behind and within it holds all of my thoughts and feelings and what I have been going through. I’ve been looking online at suicide methods but can’t say that I have found one that I have chosen. For many months I said I’d do like my friend did and jump from a tall building. But after thinking about it the last couple of weeks, I don’t think I can do that. I mean, I can, I think, and if it was from high enough and if I landed a certain way it would be a second before I’d be unconscious at least and it’d be that quick, I would hardly feel anything. But I don’t think I can do it because of the people that would find me and have to ‘remove me’ off of the street floor. And I’m thinking what would haunt my family even more and this method would probably be one of those. At least, for me, that’s what goes around A LOT in my head about when my friend used this method and died a year ago by doing this. I picture the ugly details of it and it’s just not a pretty picture is it? Not that there is any ‘pretty picture’ with suicide but at least, I’d like to think that somehow, in some way, I can reduce the vileness of the methods that can be used. But that’s the problem. The pretty nasty ones are the ones where I would suffer the least amount of time and the methods you can use so that you have even 100% as a success rate. From a 20-floor building… No way would anyone survive that.

In all honesty, I don’t feel like I will kill myself now. So that in itself is not a reason to need to go in to hospital.

It’s more about that really bad rotten feeling I have had the last few weeks building up more and more as to why I am finding it difficult to stand each and every day. The really bad stomach where the first few hours of the day, excuse me, but my bowels are rather weak and I feel nauseous and anxious, nervous, it’s not just anxiety, it’s a feeling of pure hate and agitation and upset and pure depression. Literally, it feels like my heart is sinking.

I’m overwhelmed with a pure distaste and dissatisfaction in everything. I’m even dreading the meetings I have with the professionals. It’s like my stomach is going to come out of my mouth and/or my head is going to explode. I simply can’t face things like I was managing to do a few weeks ago. Everything has become overwhelming and I’m in a physical and mental mess. It’s hard enough to deal with these overwhelming feelings as it is, but then I see it getting worse and I wonder what a total meltdown could look and be like because it feels that is where I am exactly headed for. I wonder what will be. If I go back to how I was a year ago, the first time actively suicidal, well, I am absolutely terrified of that. To be in such a state of mind where all you think and dream about is death and any chance you get to try, you try, even if it is so obvious you will get caught way too early and you won’t have a chance to get anywhere in your attempt, but you are so desperate to die, you simply don’t care. It’s horrifying. It’s traumatic. I tried more than 3 times to end my life last year. Maybe another 3 times on top of that, but I didn’t mention them and I don’t count them as attempts as I was caught quickly as I was in hospital at the time and I was unluckily caught out in the act.

I feel sick to the stomach. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I feel full of emotions but nothing comes out. When I am totally numb and feel nothingness then I just can lay in bed and be numb and nothingness. I don’t have the energy or power in my mind to think about suicide or anything. But when I am feeling like this and now I’m going to meet with my care worker and then going even to work after, things can appear better or OK on the outside, but they are actually WORSE than if I were in bed for a day or few. The situation feels worse now like I say, even though it would appear I am functioning still 50-60% of whatnot. It;s all stuck up in my throat like I need to vomit. It feels vile. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what will be.

Not sure what to do

Things are not good. Kind of spiralling out of control. I’m trying my best to hold back on things and am not doing things impulsively. I’m really trying to think it all through and do what I can to distract myself or even just take a little more Clonex or Valium than usual as it’s not that I feel overly relaxed on them but I do see that it calms my thoughts down a bit at least.

I’ve got almost constant thoughts about death. Whether it be thinking back to a couple of weeks ago where I prayed that God would take my life without needing for me to do it. Or if it’s thinking to end my own life and looking online to see the ‘best’ methods to use. I can’t relax and am so agitated. Not agitated mentally so much but more physically. It’s like I can’t keep still and just lay there. It’s driving me mad.

And I’m waking up a lot during the night and having thoughts about just getting out of bed and needing to get outside. And this is like 2am at least. I’m thinking to get up and get dressed and go out and just walk about the city. Find a tall building where there is access to the roof which isn’t easy to find. But to find and go up and look over the edge, maybe sit on the edge and hope that I will look and think to myself ‘what am I thinking!?’ and leave and go home and that it will clear my mind of all the thoughts of death and that I will decide to live regardless of how much I am suffering. But I don’t know if that will be the case.

I’ve been doing a bit of art and poetry and to be honest, the book is turning out to be more of a ‘suicide book’ to leave behind more than anything. This is the page I did this morning. Not my most nicest pieces of art in many ways but this is what it is now, pretty plain and simple:

So

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I’ve self-harmed 2 nights in a row. Actually not last night but Friday and Saturday. I burnt myself with a lighter one time each and they are deep, like third degree burns like when I did it back in October last year. But I’ve taken care of them and the wounds are dry, closed and OK.

I drank alcohol on Friday night but the regular amount I drink of 2 small bottles of 4% alcohol, like the equivalent of 2 small beers. I know, still not good but at least I was in control of how much I drank and I wasn’t drunk at all.

But last night at about 9.30pm, I was really struggling. I called a crisis line and it didn’t help and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I kept thinking about taking a ton of pills. In all honestly, not entirely with the idea of killing myself but just being self-destructive and thinking what will be will be. So I decided to drink alcohol again and went to the shop and bought a bottle of 30% alcohol liqueur. Not good. And I knew it. I was telling myself it’s stupid but if I drink within limits then it’d get me drunk quicker and I won’t be so bloated with a ton of alcohol in my stomach. I know. Still not good.

I ended up, quite obviously, drinking a lot and it was truly vile. From the beginning it was vile but I still did it. I just don’t feel in the right mind. It’s going a bit too far.

I ended up vomiting a few times and don’t remember what happened after. I woke up a few times during the night which I remember a bit. Just waking up feeling awfully nauseous and like my stomach and liver was on fire with a lot of pain. Thought I maybe would have the luck of passing out or dying and just not wake up. But no.

Woke up feeling so hungover and disgusting.

When I met with my care worker yesterday I was pretty damn honest and upfront with her and told her about all the thoughts and everything and she was concerned. I didn’t feel like I could keep it inside and I know that they need to know what’s going on. She knew also about the self-harming on the weekend.

So last night my social worker called me and said that she heard from my care worker what is going on with me. She said she’d spoken with my psychiatrist too and that tomorrow (today, Monday) he will be working in the hospital on the afternoon/night shift in the emergency assessment ward. He told my social worker that if I wanted to go and talk to him then I can as I am due to meet with him on Wednesday but if I feel the need to speak to him now then it’s an option. It’s an hour journey to the other side of the city and I said I don’t want to go. My social worker said maybe he would hospitalise me if he saw things are too bad right now which made me want to go even less. She kind of let that slip at the end it seemed.

My social worker also called me this morning before I met with my care worker and asked how I was. Not sure at this point if it was a good idea to be honest and tell her that I got so drunk last night and vomited and am still feeling very rough this morning but I told her.

She said she really thinks I should go to the hospital today and meet with my psychiatrist and I was kind of silent with her because I didn’t want to say anything rash without thinking about it first. We spoke about it a bit and we know that my psychiatrist only works one shift a week there so if he would decide to recommend me to stay in hospital for a short time then this would be the opportunity as it’s totally down to him. He can recommend another time but he will need to recommend it to the doctor on shift then if it’s not today and then it’s their decision.

I spoke with my social worker about it a bit more and I said I’m not going today. I know she was concerned and still is and said what if tonight there will be continuing bigger problems or during the day the next couple of days. I told her I really don’t want to go and that I have the mental health group today to go to and even if I’m not so involved in the group, at least I will be around people. I was honest and said tomorrow is a bit of a problem because I only have work from 12-4pm so it means somehow keeping busy in the morning and all evening too. I said I’d be in touch with my sister to see about going over to visit them after work tomorrow but it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen because she’s too busy.

I heard that my social worker wasn’t so satisfied with my decision but I explained that I will either go there and speak with him and then come home or he will recommend to admit me but then I can only be in the emergency ward for a few days and they have no activities or therapies or anything to do whatsoever and it’s as boring as hell. We know we are not talking about another longer hospitalisation in the open ward where they have daily activities and therapy. My social worker said what if he can help me out in any other way and I said there is nothing else he will or can do. The only thing is with meds which I can just wait until Wednesday for if he does decide to do something. But when I met with him last, things were still bad then and he said no way is he even looking at my medications so it doesn’t look like anything is going to happen there anyway.

Dare I say I haven’t ended up going to the mental health group today. My bad. I know. I just saw my care worker for an hour and that’s it.

My care worker is concerned also and said about going in to hospital but didn’t give her opinion really. She more went over the options. She said what if I drink again tonight and something will happen. I said to be frank, all morning today I am disgustingly nauseous and I feel so rough that there is no chance I will drink tonight. No way. And I know that. No way the night after. Especially after being so sick from it. Even a whiff of a smell of alcohol would make my vomit.

My care worker said that she will meet with me tomorrow (Tuesday) instead of Wednesday because of what’s going on and because I meet with both my psychiatrist and psychologist Wednesday morning so it’s too many meetings really. So I’ll see her tomorrow and then hopefully go to work and hope that things will be OK. I actually managed to go to work yesterday and stayed the 4 hours which is literally the second time I have managed to stay the entire 4 hours without leaving early.

I know it’s really bad I haven’t gone to the mental health group today. I feel like isolating but I know it’s bad for me and anyone. But I’ve done it. No excuses. Just need to make sure tomorrow that I go to work after the meeting with my care worker.

When I meet with my psychiatrist on Wednesday, I’m very concerned about that. The worst thing would to be sent to hospital and be there on the weekend as it’s bad enough during the week as it is. The weekends are even more awful as there are no doctors there to talk to and it’s just 3 meals a day and bed and just a tiny bench area to go out in to get fresh air with 15 foot wire fences right in your face.

Ugh. I just need my life to change. I can’t carry on like this. I know I’m bound to keep winding up in hospital every few months if things continue on like this. And maybe even worse. I’ll just end up dead. That’s where things are going right now and have been going for 4 years now. Downhill all the way.

Relaxed

I’m relaxed. No amount of Benzos would do this to me. However many I would take. And I’ve tried taking several all at once before and it had no effect on me.

But this. This is something else.

Last night, I burnt my arm with a lighter. Charred black flesh. Third degree burn. I also drank 2 bottles of alcohol. 2 small bottles. I wasn’t drunk.

It’s all become too much and I’m losing control.

Now it’s Saturday night and I’m looking at my arm where I burned it last night and I’m thinking there is a perfect amount of room next to that one to do another one. I’m sitting feeling very bad. Extremely hopeless and helpless and I feel like I need to be more relaxed and to not be laying here trying all different things to distract myself. I cannot distract myself from the truth.

If I have an option that won’t kill me which will calm me down, then I’ll do it. I’ve lost control right now anyway.

So I used that perfect amount of room now and last nights burn now has a burn neighbour.

Sizzling skin. I shouldn’t have done that in silence.

So that’s self-harm 2 days in a row, and last Friday and before that, 6 MONTHS ago.

I guess I have lost control right now.

It’s just relaxed me so much after the initial sweating because it did hurt to be frank. But now the lingering pain means I can just focus on that and nothing else around me or going around in my head.

Nice and relaxed.

Face the… what do you call it? Face the music tomorrow? Yes. I will have to face the music tomorrow. I am going to be in the sh*t.

Can’t say I care. With all the ‘tools’ I have, nothing worked. Hmm, lemme see, would I like to eat some ice cream or burn my arm? Burn my arm. Do anything that winds me up more or simply self-harm which distracts me like nothing else? Self-harm. These are not tools. I hardly have any tools. Nothing is viable. Nothing fu**ing works… That list of ‘distraction techniques’, really, fu*k off. Oh, I forgot number 58 though which was to do an air balloon ride! What an idiot I am. That would have worked and would have been possible to do now at 11pm on a Saturday night! Oh and number 27 which is cynically to have sex with someone… Yeah, I’ll call that male friend of mine that I had and he can come and rape me again.

I don’t care. Anyone can do anything they fu**ing like to me. What else is there left to do? Rape me? Abuse me? Threaten me? Shout at me? Scream at me? Call me an idiot? Tell me I failed? Fu**ing bring it on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!