‘Looking for an answer’ – song

This song is in Hebrew but I have translated it in to English because the lyrics are so powerful. But the video of this band performing is even more powerful when you know the lyrics…


זה נכון ואין לי שום פתרון – It’s true, I have no solution
אני עכשיו לבד – I am alone now
אני פוחד מהמוות – I am afraid of death
החיים מה השאירו בי ,הו כמה צלקות בצד – This life I have left in me, some scars on the side
תמשיך להתפלל, החרש למעלה – Continuing to pray, death above
אומרים שהוא שומע כל אחד – They say He can hear everyone

הו, אני מחכה כאן – Oh, I’m waiting here
הו, אני מחכה כאן – Oh, I’m waiting here

איך זה שאני מחפש תשובה ולא מוצא – How is it that I am looking for an answer and don’t find?
ואיך תמיד נכבה האור כשאני בוכה – And how we turn off the light when I cry
איך זה שאני מחפש תשובה ולא מוצא – How is it that I am looking for an answer and don’t find?
ואיך תמיד נהיה שחור כשאני בוכה – And how it will always be black when I cry?
אני בוכה – I am crying

זה נכון, בעיקר בזמן האחרון – It’s true, especially recently
אני נראה שונה – I look different
אני עף לשמיים עם כדור אחד או שניים – I escape to the sky with one pill or two
למה אני צריך את זה? – Why do I need that?
אשרי האיש שיש בו אלוהים – Happy is the man that has God
כי את שלי אני מזמן כבר לא מוצא – Because, mine I have not been able to find for a long time

הו אני מחכה כאן – Oh, I’m waiting here
הו אני מחכה כאן – Oh, I’m waiting here

איך זה שאני מחפש תשובה ולא מוצא – How is it that I am looking for an answer and don’t find?
ואיך תמיד נכבה האור כשאני בוכה – And how we turn off the light when I cry
איך זה שאני מחפש תשובה ולא מוצא – How is it that I am looking for an answer and don’t find?
ואיך תמיד נהיה שחור כשאני בוכה – And how it will always be black when I cry?
אני בוכה – I am crying

ובתוך מקדש בלי אור מתפלל – And on the temple without light to pray

Nothing changed

I started writing this post and began speaking the same rhetoric that I always do. So I deleted it all. There’s no point any more. I know what the problems are. I just don’t know how to change this life situation I am in which spreads from one thing to another. And nobody else has managed to help me either. I’m even in intensive therapy for 4 years now since the breakdown.

Here I go again. Entering the rhetoric.

Nothing. Nowhere. Nothing. Nobody.

My life flashed before me

Flash of Light

Flash of Light

** Trigger warning – Talk of suicide. Not so much in detail. Just thoughts **

I know that’s a bit of a dramatic title for a post but it’s not far off of the truth.

In all honesty, that dream last night that I posted about which had some positivity included in it, as always, seems to turn another way and my mind seems to always find a way to turn it somehow negative.

Well, I won’t take away the positives of it because I know deep down or not even deep down that there are little things in life that are positive. And I can’t deny that.

The question is, the weigh up between the positives and the negatives. I’m obviously rather slanted on the negative side, very much so, and I frankly don’t see that changing much. I don’t see changes happening, or at least positive things changing because this feels like this is my life and for many reasons that’s just it.

Being clinically depressed for 4 years is not the only time I have been depressed for. For as long as I can remember, I was at least very unhappy. I see it in old photos of me as a young kid and teenager and all through it and I’m always on the sidelines looking sad and like the alien of the crowd. Doing silly things for escapism like solvent abuse and nearly having my throat closing up a couple of times I did it. And plenty of other things too. Alcohol and marijuana, not as a fun social thing, but as a depressive matter, who can get the most funked up as soon as possible. Who would be puking from the alcohol, alcohol poisoning or passing out from smoking so much marijuana.

This life, if you ask me, is a curse. Not for everyone. But I feel that for me, I was brought in to this world for a certain reason, that reason has been fulfilled and my time is up. No reasons show me that I should go on.

In having no goals or aims or aspirations WHATSOEVER in life is getting me nowhere fast and basically, is getting me nowhere. So nothing advances, no new plans are made, no ideas come up to be looked in to, nothing. Just nothing.

Hence, I do not see ever getting out of this funk. And to call it a funk is an understatement.

As I walked crossing a large main street this evening, there was a crossing. I had the right of way as a pedestrian but a lorry driver thought that he would ‘have a go’ at me and on purpose speed up (a hell of a lot) and bib at me crazily and as I walked and just about missed him hitting me, I felt a breeze hit me and I had a sense of pleasure from that. I wish he had hit me.

It almost felt like my life flashed upon me. I was centimetres away, if that, from being struck hard and fast. It would have been messy.

As I walked on, I thought about the desire of having a last moment in my life like that. I’ve made art before that was very ambiguous and nobody can say what I really meant by it. Like a piece with a bird on it and feathers and me sticking on the letters ‘look away. I want to fly away’. The meaning of this for me was the thoughts of the last year (maximum) concerning how I will end my life. I decided, as did my friend do and succeed a year ago, that I would jump off of a building. The looking away part was the fact that recently I thought how vile it would be for people to have to pick me up off of the pavement after doing that and my family knowing that’s what I did. So looking away was my wish for nobody to see such a thing. But then ‘I want to fly away’ is still my desire to leave this world. Simply fly away from it all. Disappear. If only it were that easy.

If only it were that easy that people would look away and I could fly away and that would be it.

After tonight’s incident, I even thought afterwards how I would have been able to fall back and be crushed and finished off by that truck. I can’t say that’s how I’d like to go either. But I would like to experience something that humans never get to really experience, well, unless skydiving, I didn’t think of that. But the rush of it all and the final hit that would knock a person out within an instant and you’d be dead pretty quickly so the pain level wouldn’t be so high if you go from a 8th floor plus.

Am I suicidal? I guess so. But that is to do with helplessness and hopelessness and letting this God awful life continue on like this which I hate with a passion. I hate it. It may have tiny positives here and there but right now, no way enough in order to convince me to carry me on for much longer.

Just let it be done already. Done and gone. Done and dusted. Enough is enough. No prevention can be put in place asides from locking me up in a padded room and that is not going to happen. If I don’t want to be saved and things are going that far then I am not pissing around with some suicidal threats like overdosing etc.

Somebody that wants to die will just die and go and do it. There is no reason to tell anyone because nothing is going to change. As like is my situation. Nothing will change from me telling my care professionals that is what happened tonight and I seriously wish that it had happened. Then what?

That REAL sense of achievement

Long trail of beads

Long trail of beads

I’ve just awoken from a dream and it’s left me thinking a lot about me and what I class as a real sense of achievement and in relating it to my life as it is right now.

I don’t know if I will succeed in explaining myself so great, so I do hope that I get the right message across without confusion.

I am living a life right now of non-achievement. (Maybe another word can be used in place of this one?). As many people who work in the mental health field will tell a depressed person like me, ‘just breathing is an achievement’ or ‘just make it your aim to get up in the morning and brush your teeth, and that’s all’. Whilst I see the common sense in this all, it still saddens me. You may say this is my ‘level’ right now, but that still saddens me when I feel like I could be achieving so much more than I have done in the last 4 years.

I am definitely not one to be searching for fame and fortune, really I’m not. When I was working 4 years ago until I had the breakdown and was forced to leave my job due to going in to hospital several months later, that seemed like the end of that era for me and I don’t feel like I can get certain things back from those times.

First of all, I don’t want to go back to this company or work in this field as for me, it’s a bit of a moral issue being involved in gambling type things.

I know I can’t say ‘but this’ and ‘but that’, but I was earning really very decent money. For a 21 year old to 25 year old, in those 4 years, I was making more than a decent amount of money. I won’t sugar coat this and say I was rich or anything, but it was certainly the most stable time of my life (ever) where money was no issue whatsoever.

Because the area of work it was in, I did actually start to think about leaving it before I even got sick. It started to become an issue. But in these times, I was doing some anti-fraud work for this company and I won’t go in to the complexities of it all, but just because of my attentive eye, I caught a fraud ring of money launderers. I didn’t have a degree or any qualification in this so even it was such an accomplishment, I can talk about it in future interviews for work for example, but I can not really go in to this field without having a background knowledge in it in which you learn from a degree. 9You need much higher skills an knowledge). I did this fraud investigation and found about 18 customers who were using fake credit cards and then sending the money between Paypal type accounts. For the first time ever, because of the amount of fraud we were talking about, I actually got the go-ahead to nail these people and we got private investigators on foot in these areas in Europe and cracked them all. This saved the company paying out over $500,000 USD! Half a million Dollars. And did I get a bonus or anything from it, no, but I was still so chuffed with myself and what I had succeeded in doing, the money didn’t even matter.

That example was on of many. Especially in that job. I gained so much experience working there it’s crazy. I started off in customer service, working horrible shift work like 11pm-7am then coming back at 3pm-11pm to work and it was tough. But I worked my a** off and after several months got a promotions, then another, then another. Even they weren’t recognised between my boss and myself and other workers, but again, that was something I didn’t and don’t need. I’m too shy for that anyway. A sense of achievement for me doesn’t need to be someone else telling me how good I did at something. Just that I know it myself in my heart is good enough for me.

It’s not all grand and wow before 4 years ago though. I wasn’t happy even with the money, but I was happier. As in the sense of having no stresses at all about money. Being able to afford membership at a local gym which I actually went to also (!) and other examples, if my laptop broke, no worries, the next day, go and buy one. But I wasn’t even such a material person and still am not. When I was making all of this money in my job, I simply let is accumulate and told myself that it will be used ‘for a rainy day’. It’s sad to think how 2010 did bring me that rainy day and oh boy, it was a rainy day. A monsoon. Tragic and heartbreaking. I broke. And since, it’s all gone so far, It’s hard to see that I will be able to get back to any of this. All of my hard earned money went on a private psychiatrist and private psychologist. I met with the psychologist for 10 months twice a week and told myself that even if all my savings will go, my health is of main importance. I would NEVER have knows that my money not only dwindled away, but that I never got my health back and all I did was deteriorate for the first year until I entered hospital for the first time, broke, broken, and broke in many other ways.

In this dream I started speaking about that I had this morning, it was very strange but there were a table full of books and notebooks and bits and pieces and beads threaded together. And everyone had one attempt at lifting something up and there it had a label on it with a number written on it. You could pick up a blank notebook and it would say 10,387. Then there were the ‘riskier’ ones with the beads as you could just pick up one bead and these were known for some reason to be a risk taking thing. But if you did choose the right bead then you would have great rewards. In the dream, it wasn’t even to do with winning money. The number on the item was just like playing a game. The person with the highest number, won. I chose the beads. I held one and started pulling and there were some people around the table and I pulled and pulled and the thread and beads kept coming and coming and coming. I was ecstatic. But calm. Like I say, there was no real grand reason to become the winner, but as the beads kept coming threaded on to this string, everyone watched in amazement and were telling me it’s amazing, it’s beautiful that I had taken a chance and look what I had achieved etc. It was just such a nice feeling.

Comparing my dream to real life today, it honestly saddens me. Now. I don’t want people to be obvious here and say ‘but you are sick’ etc. I KNOW all of these things. But oh how I yearn for this real sense of achievement. A sense of achievement outside of mental health. More than me just getting up in the morning and that being enough and me ‘succeeding’ when I went to the mall yesterday and lasted 30 minutes there instead of the 10 minutes I was there last time. I don’t see these as real achievements. I on one hand agree that these can be termed as that, but I am talking about other life matters, like I say, that are non-related to mental health and health. Like the example in the job I had where I just got one little ‘well done, good work’ from my boss when it was a huge thing but it didn’t bother me. And how in my dream, I took a risk and it paid off. It doesn’t surprise me that I’ve been feeling like this quite a bit in the last week or so, and it doesn’t feel like that feeling is or will go away for that long. It’s been a positive feeling, like I am getting some of my confidence back.

I know I have said it a hundred times, but this time, I feel different. Not that I am going to conquer the world or go back to a job similar and do something so great all again… I know that I need to put hard work and time in to it, just like I had to do in my job. I had to start down at the bottom and work my way up. But I feel like it’s possible. Even without official studies that I have done (which is a 1 year diploma in art and design and 1 year out of 3 year fine art degree), I still feel like I can be an asset to a company in the work field. An asset to myself. Even then, I wonder about expanding that to different areas of my life, like possibly studying even… I look and look and never find something that interests me in the slightest though! I do however feel like I am getting a little confidence back and it was related in that dream in this gentle subtle way, but is one of the very few dreams I have woken up to in my entire life, and actually felt positive about and gave me a good feeling.