Things are moving, big time. That’s not to say that all things are going to work out, but it’s not like everything can fall through… I hope. I found an apartment today that is perfect in so many ways. I’m going tomorrow to give the landlord a couple of checks and get the keys. I got a call from an intensive program that is run daily and is for three months. The whole shabang. I’m meeting with them in two weeks time to see if I am suitable and if I want to go there. Looks great. Yesterday I got a contact through two other places which finally led me to a charity in which I went there and met with them and now have a (seemingly) amazing social worker for free and that is going to speed many things up for me and that so genuinely wants to help. Such a nice man. 15 years experience as a social worker, 10 of those specialising on mental health. This charity offers other things too. Social groups, free courses, etc. I found another charity that has a ‘club’ for English speakers with mental health issues twice a week which I have been told I am welcome to go to. And more. I won’t go on now. But it’s just all crazy.
I don’t quite understand how things can turn around like this in just a couple of days so I am VERY wary and I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself. Dare I say that I am used to things not working out.
I’m all in a bit of a weird state. It’s not a kind of manic state, it’s not like I am feeling la de dah and happy. I guess I am just feeling hopeful and for some reason I believe this time that a lot of things are going to work out for me. That thinking can be dangerous because if things don’t work then I can crash big time. As much as I can tell myself in advance to not be triggered by things, at the time, I seemingly have no control over it.
But it’s OK. I won’t go on speaking like this. I don’t want to keep analysing things either way. I’m just taking each day as it comes and am doing the best I can do.
First of all, I’d like to pay tribute (if that is the correct term?) to a dear friend of mine that ended her life a couple of weeks ago. I wrote a spontaneous kind of poem for here in this post. It’s been a peculiar day (and yesterday) in many ways. I want to smile. And I smile. And I laugh. But then I write this and I well up with tears and feel very mixed up.
I opened up my laptop this morning and thought randomly that I’ll empty my recycle bin as I’ve not done so in at least a year. I opened it up, and there popped up a photo of this friend of mine that ended her life a couple of weeks ago. I have literally a few photos from when I was hospitalised and that was only a couple when we had snow and was a photo of the view and another couple of the view. No photos of other patients I was with, anything inside the hospital or anything like that. But there I go and come across a photo of this friend of mine and it was the weirdest thing for me. I looked to see which file it had been in and it was in a Skype cache file or something that I have no idea how got there.
The photo of her is a real serious emotional one. It was so weird to see because when I heard the news the day she had ended her life, from that minute I closed my eyes and tried to picture her face in my head. And for the life of me, I couldn’t do it. And, in a way, this photo I found of her actually only shows what I remembered of her which was her eyes.
I’ve got this thing about eyes. They really are the gateway to the person’s soul. I truly believe that. I know that I’ve always been way too sensitive to people’s facial expressions and really over analyse things in general. But with eyes, I can be SO focused on looking at them and telling from them what the person is thinking. I know this sounds all a bit weird and intense. This isn’t some kind of mental health problem like me stating that I can see what the person is saying without them actually saying anything.
But I can see their mood. I can see if they are lying or not. I can see, often, a lot of things like this. I’m in no way saying that I am the only person on the earth that can do this. But I’m somehow more sensitive to it. I have an eye for this kind of stuff. I somehow see more things than the average person sees.
I had a job for 4 years before I got sick 3 years ago and the boss asked me to open and operate an anti-fraud department for the company. I must have had some confidence in myself then because I did it and had no previous experience doing this whatsoever. I was approving/declining verification forms for credit card transactions and the clients had to send supporting documents in order to approve their accounts. Anyway. I won’t go in to it all but I tried to train others to work in this department and I even noticed a big difference between what I had spotted as being a cause for concern and a huge majority of those I was training, saw nothing. I admit. I was successful. I stopped many fraud rings that were using stolen credit cards. I saved the company literally tens of thousands of Dollars. If not, more.
So kind of off track but the gist of my ‘off-track-ness’ is to show a little about how you can imagine this photo of my friend affected me. I know that it’s an over-sensitivity of mine that needs to be drawn in. But it also has it’s positives too sometimes.
Then I opened my browser on my laptop and bang, the page opens up on Google News which states that it is World Suicide Prevention Day today.
I shuddered. How do I put in to perspective the fact that I’ve very recently lost someone very dear to me by suicide? And that myself, have been very close to that too between May-July 2013 having 4 suicide attempts? And that I’ve just randomly come across a photo of my friend? On the Suicide Prevention day? Of all days. And the fact that today has brought me many positive and good things that I have literally not had anything like for 3 years before I had the (big) breakdown and got sick?
It’s such a mixed thing. I don’t know how to take it all. I’m sad for many reasons, both because the loss of my friend, my own traumatic experiences with suicide attempts, for the huge figures of suicide rates especially connected to mental health, for all those lost to suicide, for them and their family members, for every single person that is affected by these tragedies. For the loss of life that could have been prevented. For the pain. For the agony. For the suffering. For the inner turmoil. Like I say, I’ve been there and it makes it even more of a frustrating thing because I understand it. The hopelessness. But (for me), the “wrongness” of deciding that suicide was really any kind of answer to my problems. There’s obviously a lot to talk about so I shall leave it there.
On the other hand, I’ve had two days (today especially) full of so many positive things and I have much hope in all of the things that seem to be fitting in to place. It makes me think that as hopeless I was feeling only a couple of months ago since my last suicide attempt… Maybe that I’m being shown here that it’s really worth the fight to carry on because you don’t know when things can change for you. Really.
I will fight until I am blue in the face for myself. I will fight until I am blue in the face for others. I will do all I can for myself. I will do all I can for others.
Lets unite and fight as one.
Suicide is not the answer. It’s not an answer.
And… I miss you CC.
Much love xx