BPD, good olde Borderline Personality Disorder. Always there to give you a reason to not understand yourself and how your moods can change without any seemingly obvious trigger.
Yesterday I am with my psychiatrist and psychologist in a very bad state. I’m telling them about what I’ve been speaking about on here for a week or so. This weird state that I have been in. Feeling numb and nothingness. Almost empty of thoughts and the thoughts I do have, even if ‘unpleasant’ and would normally bother me, don’t bother me. Physically no energy. That I don’t want to be with people. All I want is silence. To lay in my bed with my fleece blanket over my head in the lovely silence and calmness of nothingness. Both psychiatrist and psychologist were very concerned about me and this situation I find myself to be in. There is always something. If it’s not numbness then it’s feeling too much. And the other way around. Both extremes. I told them how I don’t feel either way yes or no about things and that I had self-harmed again on the weekend and after thinking about it, I think it was because I was feeling numb and nothing and it was horrible and weird for me. Like being calm, but not actually being calm. So I self-harmed to try and feel something. And I damn felt the pain. I told them how I went over and over with the Japanese art knife. Every swipe drew blood and I carried on doing it for what felt like ages. And if you see my thigh, you can see that it went on for quite a while. So we came to the conclusion about that. Then they ask about suicide. Hmm. Yesterday, like I said, I was not yes or no about anything. I said I don’t know, I don’t know what is going on in the back of my mind. It’s a bit scary because I feel so numb and not alive that maybe I could do something impulsively. In the end, as concerned as they were and even I said I don’t know what is going on with me, we are all aware that it is in my hands in the end, and all I can hope for is that I carry on having some form of common sense which says that I will NEVER end my own life. But my mind doesn’t seem to work this way… so… echhh.
My psychologist was that concerned that she asked to meet with me today too. The psychiatrist said to meet him next week and usually it’s every 2-3 weeks.
Upon waking up in the morning, my mood and how I was feeling was totally different than the last several days. I have energy today. There’s some kind of burst of energy inside of me which feels a bit ‘high’ and peculiar. I sat and chatted with my psychologist and whilst we did talk about serious stuff, of course, I was really vocal and to compare the last several days to today, is like oil and water… That’s not the expression that I really wanted to use but I’m trying to explain it in some way that makes it clear that it’s not that yesterday I was totally depressed and today not depressed, it’s not that… It’s all of the other symptoms like my emotions, if I have anxiety (no), energy levels, the level of hope I am feeling and all the way to me being so much more vocal and I saw today I was speaking in a way in which I don’t normally speak. I was speaking full sentences. I was clear. Everything I said was clear. I’d even go as far to say that I sounded very intelligent, like, really. Weird. Where did that come from?
And so the Borderline journey goes on.
I’m in utter confusion. Not much seems to be me thinking and doing things consciously. But today, yes. It’s like my brain switching on and off. I see NO reason as to why I would be feeling like this today compared to the last several days. Obviously, it’s BPD, or maybe I am some rapid cycling bipolar chick, who knows. It’s just as complicated as usual. On days like these I am feeling so much better and I genuinely seem to feel that. But if someone asked me the reasons why I am feeling different today than the last several days, I would not know how to answer or explain that. I do not have many days like this by far. It’s maybe literally a couple of days in a month maximum and recently I didn’t have a day like this in over the space of two months and was just going downhill and ended up in hospital for a month and a half because of extreme depression that I’ve never felt so strongly before. So I feel all positive now, and that is OK. But I am aware that things can (and do) change within an instant.
My heart is out at sea… My soul… I feel like that’s not a part of me now. I am just a physical being that can change within a second or change within 2 months. It’s irrational and unstable. I’m back and forth between being in so many different ‘situations’, I can’t even keep up with myself! When I say my heart/soul is out at sea, that feels true to me. My heart and soul are the things that make me understand myself and life. To be connected. I have that disconnect hugely. I am in a place of not understanding a huge majority of the time. I wish I had that heart and soul with me and that I could be connected with those things that is the very root of my being, rather than feeling in a maze and I’m just running around and the walls are all the same, I’m just running in different directions, I’m lost, I’m all over the place. I have no logic. Is it a maze that has an exit? Where I can move on to being out of that maze and have a clearer mind and know myself… I hope. I’ve somehow got to ‘get a hold on myself’. Why? How? When? Speechless. Staring in to space. Am I me? Who am I? Why? How? When? Wow.