I genuinely miss you all. I still log on every few days to read other people’s blogs to see how people are but I haven’t wanted to or not felt that it was right or good for me to actually write something myself.
So, how can I explain what’s going on? I will try…
Depression, anxiety, insomnia, flashbacks, nightmares, night-sweats, over-emotional, under-emotional, anger, total despair, all over the place, worked up, frozen by hopelessness. Constant black and red under my eyes. Ghost/zombie-like. People think I am physically sick. And I feel it. But it does feel like all the physical pains and whatever is going on with me all stems from my state of mental health. All test results show nothing is physically is the problem. I’ve been boosted up on the beta blocker for my heart because my family DR said that if I continue on in such a state with my heart under so much pressure every day, I will end up having a heart attack. She says it’s impossible to be like this. It’s so unhealthy for me. Even chest pains. This is just one example. Anyway.
I can not begin to explain how difficult every day life is. Probably 5 months now, I’ve been in a really bad state. There’s been nothing to do with medications, I’ve tried it all. It is purely not a ‘breakdown’ that I am ‘overcoming’, it has become my reality of my every day life. I don’t have good days, OK days, depression every day, all the time. No break from it all. Exhausted. Beaten up. Fed up. Nothing is changing. Well, I will list some things that have/are actually changing and you will see that there is nothing positive in the changes. At least so far, that’s how things have been.
Turned 30 on March 30th this year. Downhill from there in to an even worse state that I’ve never been in the 5 years of being ‘sick’. The 5 year anniversary of my ‘sickness’ on June 6th of this year. Half a decade. An absolute nightmare of 5 years. I tell people all the things that have happened and they are seriously like ‘it’s like a movie.. Unbelievable, crazy. I’m speechless’. I’ve already lost 5 years of my 20’s and now turned 30 and I would NEVER have guessed that I would be in a state like this upon turning 30 when I first went in to the breakdown 5 years ago. I’ve gone on from one thing to the next, tried with all my strength and all my heart. Accepted whatever has been offered to me. Never saying no. Taking all that is being so kindly given to me. Helping others around me whilst holding back my tears because even the suffering of other people is so hard for me to see. I’ve been trying all different ways of dealing with my situation. And I have lost a lot of control. I’ve been taken over by constant doom and gloom. It’s one big nightmare I can hardly believe myself.
So, sorry, changes… I finished a month ago with the psychologist I was given free for a year. From the get go, it has been clear that the type of therapy style she has is not suitable for me and has even reinforced all the negativity and depression etc that I have constantly. In the year we had together, it came up several times that this type of therapy is not going to get me anywhere. It’s this ‘nodding dog’ therapy, as I term it. If I say nothing in therapy, then there will be total silence. I literally did this a couple of times and it was 15-20 minutes of total silence and she just sat and refused to talk. So then I talk, and what do I get back in return? Do I get tools, advice, a 2 way conversation, am I challenged? Are we working together? No, no, no and no. I get the ‘nodding dog’ in return. I may as well be talking to a wall. When it came up a few times with even the manager of the mental health centre etc, that this kind of therapy gets me nowhere, the psychologist always said she would change things a bit to suit what I need and is being requested. Never happened. I wasn’t allowed to switch psychologists because there were no other available and apparently for some very strange reason, I was put with her because apparently we made a ‘good match’. I only found out a few months back that she works in another place for teenagers with BPD and she knows DBT. I would never have guessed that. I’ve been told, and that’s how I feel that this therapy has either kept me in the same place that I am in or has actually reinforced all the negativity and feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. I said she needs to ‘take the reigns’ of the therapy. I am the patient and she sits in silence. She just never changed and so I finished the year with her which has been another year passed and another year of pure nothingness… TBH, I am feeling worse than I was a year ago, even 6 months ago. And everyone sees that.
Also a month ago, the social worker I had for a year left and I was given a new social worker. It’s extremely difficult to change and the feeling of keep going back to the beginning again is awful. It takes a long time to get understanding between the patient and social worker. And before you know it, the one you’ve had for a year is leaving.
Also a month ago, the psychiatrist I had for a year and a half left and got transferred to work somewhere else. A year and a half I was with him. It’s a long time for me. The effort he put in and you may say, well, you didn’t feel better, but how he cared so much and with such genuineness. He was more of a psychologist to me than a psychiatrist or even the psychologist I had. He would be wound up quite a bit but it was because he cared so much. He would take on tasks with no question that my social worker should have actually been dealing with. So much bureaucratic mess, it’s been crazy. He’s called the rental assistance company for example a couple of months back when they didn’t pay me the rental assistance money for two months. They screwed up somehow. I kept going to the offices there and calling and doing SO much and every time I was promised it was sorted out. And never was. Only until I’m sitting with my psychiatrist and he says ‘give me their phone number’, he gets on the phone, he gets to speak with someone after 20 minutes on hold… And then he blasts them like crazy. Says this is going to cause me to become homeless because if I’m not paid in another 5 days time, literally, my cheque will bounce and I won’t be able to pay my rent. He threatened to sue them, spoke so powerfully, said that if this causes me to be hospitalised because of the financial stress (in this case), he will obliterate them and they will be sued. Then I got my money I was owed. Funny, that.
I have a new psychiatrist of which I know several people have been moved to also upon the other psychiatrist being moved to somewhere else. I have never in all of these years met a psychiatrist like this one. She surely has to be on space cakes or something is not right with her… You would never believe that she can be a psychiatrist. All over the place. I’ve met with her once. She asked questions and as I went to reply, she just spoke over me or looked away and literally did not listen. I was trying to give her short simple answers so it should help with her listening to me. But no. I went in to meet with her. After 2 minutes she asks me if I’ve taken Lamictal in the past. I said yes. She asked if it worked. I said nothing was evident that it helped, no. So she says OK, she won’t start me on that. Then literally 2 minutes later she says to me ‘OK, great, you seem very stable and balanced out, no anxiety, doing well, managing to do everything day to day. SORRY, EXCUSE ME! Pill pusher that says she wants to put me on Lamictal which is a MOOD STABILISER, then within a seemingly instant, she’s heard nothing else from me or knows nothing else, and just says to me that she can see I am STABLE and BALANCED and doing well. WTF. I was just like.. ‘what you see on the outside is far from what is on the inside. Then I attempted to say that, NO, I am not managing day to day. The downhill of 5 months or so. Feeling worse now than 6 months ago, than a year ago. I didn’t even attempt to say how ridiculous it was that she goes to put me on Lamictal, knowing hardly anything, I can only image she saw ‘BPD’ and thought to throw me on these medications. Then says that I look balanced and stable. I was with her for about 7 minutes when the first meeting is meant to be a thorough 30+ minutes of getting a general gist to start with of what the issues are. She then just stood up and said ‘OK, I can’t help you with medications’. Oh, how I know that, and I never requested, or hinted or anything that I want to change/adjust meds. And yes, I am a BIT aware of trying so so many medications, that they unfortunately do not seem to help me. Oh how I am aware that medications is not the ‘answer’. How can pills change my literal every day life? Nope. She said meeting over and in this tiny office of hers, I went down to pick up my bag and she had already gotten up and walked to the door to get me out. It was really rudely done. And no other psychiatrist to change to. I kept quiet about her with others and I let people tell me the experiences they have had with her, and every single person said that she doesn’t listen, she talks over you and doesn’t give you a chance to reply or anything, she seems out of it, with the fairies. She’s in her 50’s and has been a psychiatrist for many years apparently. Wow. Shocking. She said to meet once a month and that was fine by me, the meetings are pointless anyway. She said to call and make an appointment for another months time. I tried several times to do so, I even went to her office and left messages for her to call me in order to make an appointment and she never called me back. I am now doing NOTHING… It is down to her. I am not attempting to make an appointment with her unless I feel the need to according to my state. Perhaps to change a Benzo, whatever… Then I will of course be in touch. But for now, there is nothing to be done with her. Pointless.
So now not in therapy, requested more but unavailable. They give a year and that’s it. at least I could talk and get a nod from a human being rather than a white wall not really at least listening and nodding back to me. I’ve been on the list for DBT for 2 years and now they’ve told me that they are finishing the group they have and they are not opening further groups. That’s great. Wow. Brilliant.
What else can I say? PTSD strong. In the ‘factory’ (protected workplace) I work in where I get paid a pittance and sit doing absolute shit that a 3 year old could do. This is part of my ‘rehabilitation’ which I have been in for 15 months now and I’ve not progressed at all. Just regressed. They gave us females there a few sessions with a movement therapist. As an example of a pretty normal day for me, today… Had movement therapy. We were told to let go of our bodies and then do all kinds of things like copy the person next to you in whatever movement they are making. It’s trying to give us a bit of peace and empowerment but today I totally broke down because I had a trigger and flashback of the rape and the most awful feeling I had when it happened that I had no control whatsoever over my body and he was forceful with everything he did to me and made me do to him. I had no control over my body. Totally helpless. Taken over. Feeling like I have psychical strength, but he was stronger and just pulled me about like a doll disgustingly. Left bleeding and bruised. So pleasant 2 hours of crying today. Tried to go back to work after the movement therapy and sat tears streaming down my face whilst cutting fecking squares of fabric out. Another day I managed to go to work, but left early. I just can’t do it. It’s not getting me anywhere. Even the quite number of few months I had of going to each shift like I should be going to. Managing to sit and work for the 4 hour shift etc. It gave me no positive feeling. It did nothing for me. Didn’t make me progress and try to get back to being in the position of getting a regular job, even something part time etc. I worked in hi-tech for 4 years in one company before the breakdown and now I can’t even sit for 4 hours three times a week doing the most simple of work. Even if a bit challenging, oh, that’s not good. That’s why I left work after an hour the other day because they gave me something to do and I actually could just not do it even though I had done it in the past. I told myself to keep trying and trying until I can do it and get the technique right, that I had done this job in the past so if I could have done it then, then surely I can do it now. Nope. After an hour of growing frustration and upset, I ended up hunched over in the kitchen area with my head down, heart pounding, wanting to smash something up, so so so worked up. Tried to naturally calm down. Didn’t manage. Took half a Valium I have with me for ’emergencies’. Didn’t help. I was going insane, and so I left work before I seriously would end up in gawd knows what situation.
Still no friends. I’ve been going to new things to try and meet people and make friends and nothing has worked out, despite all my efforts. I can’t connect with people in all of these instances because there is simply nothing I have in common with them, can’t relate to, so on and so forth. I am not ageist, but every place I go to only has people aged 40+. On average in their mid-late 50’s. Just can’t relate. There are more men than women and the last time I tried to have a male friend didn’t work out so well. Knowing him for a year and being fooled until he’d held on that long in order to eventually take advantage of me and rape me.
I’m not even self-harming or drinking alcohol or taking more pills than prescribed because these things do absolutely nothing for me, even short term. Since the age of 13, I have been using these unhealthy coping techniques and would give me at least 30 minutes of relaxation/relief. If I try to self-harm now, I feel the pain so much I can’t take it. I can’t see blood. I start to feel faint. Can’t do it. And the scent of any alcohol makes me nauseous without even drinking the stuff. I have literally gone past the line of these unhealthy coping techniques helping me. The line I’ve gone over is to more extreme disturbing thoughts. Mostly involving me on the roof of a building and visualising me doing the obvious, like my only friend did that I was with daily in hospital with her for 2 years of the awful (now looking back) first hospitalisation. She did it. Now she’s gone forever. Sick. Images and little movies going around in my head of what she did. Me seeing so so many similarities that I had with her. Lots of hospitalisations, BPD, previous suicide attempts, rape.. And she was just 4 years ahead of me and that’s how it ended with her. It looks rather clear that I am on the same path as her and I just don’t know what else I can do/try in order to stop this path. On it goes, and the same path I follow.
I am alive physically, but I am not living. This is not life. Far from it. Pointless. I’m a waste of oxygen. A consistent frustration for everyone trying to help me because I seem unfixable. even tiny steps forward, nothing. And me being such a frustration for myself which is extremely difficult to cope with as it is. Let alone the others around me which have either moved on or literally told me they can’t help me.
Where is the end? What will the end be? When? Now? Just get it done with? My head heavy and dropping down and I still can’t sleep… And when I get that exhausted and I finally crash, I manage an hour or two of sleep and then wake up from vivid nightmares. Flashbacks. All that jazz. My nightmares even seem more real to me than my actual real life feels to me.
I’ve got something in a sketchbook I did a couple of years ago which says ‘miserableness surrounds me and nobody wants to be with a person such as this’. I can’t even be with myself. And others? Whilst they are in a rush to leave the movement therapy group but I am sitting uncontrollably crying and the teacher deciding for everyone to sit and wait for me to stop crying. And my crying not stopping. As much as I try. And huffs and puffs of people. I don’t blame them.
Apologies. I really apologise. This is why I haven’t been posting.