I’m here again after crawling from under the rock I’ve been rotting away in. Sorry. That sounds so dramatic.
I’m still going downward. 3 months or so it’s been going on for. Things have been different in these last few months like I tried to explain before. I’ve basically been fighting and fighting to just get better a tiny bit, I’m fully aware there is no magic to happen here or anything over night or even over a year let’s say. We should probably all avoid these ‘anniversaries’ as it only does us bad, but 6th June (3 days ago) was exactly 5 years to the day when I had woken up that morning and realised I didn’t have a virus like I had thought, it was pure anxiety. And so the journey began.
There is no point in going in to all the ‘story’ of these 5 years, but it has been a hell of a ride. There is irony involved and abuse and me following the advice of mental health professionals but with all the efforts I put in to everything, I get nothing back in return. So much bad stuff is happening all the time, you wouldn’t believe it. There is such little good in my life and it’s only my nieces and nephew which is why I am able to write this now. However, I’m going depper and deeper all the time in to being severely depressed and so I am losing all feelings of love that I once felt for my family. You know when things are bad when you have really bad thoughts and it doesn’t trigger you in to thinking ‘that’s a silly thought’ or ‘that’s not a correct thought’. I am beyond that. And it shocks me. Scares me. Things have been going this way for a long time and I am serious lacking control as I go down this spiral with every week that goes by.
There’s nothing to be done about medications. I’ve tried all and they don’t want to change etc, and I don’t see the point either. Medications are not going to change my life for me are they!? I mean, literal things. I am very depressed about my life and I still have no direction or aims or aspirations whatsoever. I’m just empty, and nothing is filling this in me. Every time something new comes up in terms of treatment/help, I think, OK, come on now, please let this be the thing that will help me improve my life and situation little by little. I have gone through with everything I have been recommended to do and am only feeling worse now than I was feeling several months ago, a year ago since I started this ‘rehabilitation’. I’m in a worse place. Sleep is worse than usual and usual is bad enough. I’m starting to lose it I’m so sleep deprived. Crying all the time. Can’t talk without crying. Less of an appetite. My mood is so low, I get no enjoyment from literally everything I am doing. I’m functioning less and more time in bed. But no sleeping. Just laying numb and frozen. To my credit, seeing the circumstances, I am doing well in making sure I put all my effort in to going to the rehab work, the mental health group, to the art class on Sundays, and STILL, over a year since I have had a social worker, guide/helper, psychologist, psychiatrist and all the rest of the help, I have not cancelled one meeting. As weak and as much of a state I am in, I am going to all meetings. However, now, I am really starting to lose touch with my family more and more. It’s not entirely me doing it. They just know I’m in a worse place and instead of being in touch with me more, they back off. And partly, for sure, I am wanting to isolate myself more and more.
I’m in control of the drinking, over-taking my meds and self-harming… I could try to explain this and why this has happened. Basically, all these unhealthy ‘coping techniques’ don’t help me any more and because there seems less and less reason to be living, therefore I just feel like nothing is worth it any more. I need to drink a lot to get to the point of where I want to be and have no money anyway so I haven’t drank for a couple of months. Over-taking meds does nothing to my body, at least that I can feel. Of course, inside of me, it’s unhealthy for my organs. But I haven’t been doing this, because once again, I can take a strip of 10 Valium and I will seriously have no reaction to it. So, pointless. And the self-harming doesn’t help me any more. Because I feel too far gone. If I try and self-harm, it’s the first time since starting to self-harm at the age of 13 (now 30 years old) when I now feel the pain and the blood makes me feel faint. I can’t take the pain and see the blood and I guess I am aware that however I can self-harm, not just by cutting, still no type of self-harm helps me. I’m constantly worked up. My heart is under pressure 24/7 because my mental state and feeling a mixture of total helpless and hopelessness, awfully down, anxious about what is going to be, anxious about the present moment. More and more. We all know it’s my mental health as to why I am getting chest pains, a high pulse, sometimes hypertension, and feeling like I am being strangled and can’t breathe fully. As much deep breathing I do, it helps in the moment and then I stop and the anxiety comes back. So now I’ve got to go and do a test on my heart to just make sure it’s not something physically wrong. Wear a monitor for 24 hours and then they see if there are any irregularities in my heart that is not connected to anxiety.
I have 3 meetings left with my psychologist after being given her for free for a year. I have no option of extending therapy with her or anyone else. Now, my only option is private and I am walking around with holes in my clothes for example, so I have no money, even MINUS money for private therapy. The therapist I have had has her style and it’s not been good for me in any way shape or form. I’ve been doing this shitty talk therapy for 5 years and I knew at least a year ago that this doesn’t help me. Just sit in front of a psychologist for 45 mins a week and waffle on complaining and get nodded at and am given nothing in return. In the year I’ve been with her, it’s come up that this is an issue. I walk in to her office feeling awful and walk out doubly as awful. All it does for me is to keep me in the same very bad place I am in or even reinforces all my thoughts etc, as I’m not spoken with or challenged, nothing. It’s been ANOTHER waste of time. Like I say, I feel worse now than I did a year ago. And this feeling is every single day, a deep feeling that for the last 3 months or so has become my ‘reality’ and not some breakdown I got in to and managed to get out of. I can no longer call it a breakdown. A 5 year breakdown? No. It is my daily life with no break and I’m just getting worse.
Suicidal thoughts don’t bother me like they used to. I feel neither way about it. I unfortunately feel that it’s a matter of when and not if. It’s going to happen. I’m sorry to write that, but I can only go on the FACTS here. And I am not talking about taking 30 pills or something. I am talking about how my friend did it where you have no chance of survival.
Now this is a constant thing, there’s no point in me going in to hospital. I’m always in a state where it’s very dangerous so what would a week or a month do for me in hospital? Nothing. I just come back out to my life and hate every day with a passion. Oh how I have tried and I wreck my brain every day to think of just small things I can do which could help me. I try and do art but I mess it all up because of my mental state so it’s just annoying and upsets me. Lots of other stuff also.
So, 3 more meetings with my psychologist I’ve had for a year.
I have one more meeting with my psychiatrist that I have had for a year and four months. I was told the name of the new psychiatrist and I’ve never even heard her name before.
And my social worker left a few weeks back after being with me for a year so now I have a new social worker to get to know and all the rest of it.
No therapy, new psychiatrist in which nothing will be done with meds, new social worker that freaks out because my situation even though it was bad enough a year ago to be concerned about it. Even more so now.
And what else? I’m weak and in pain all the time. I can’t relax. Maybe 1 out of 8 times I manage to rest because I am at the point of exhaustion. Asides from that, constantly worked up, triggered by things, max 3 hours sleep a night with awful nightmares and flashbacks all day long about the rape and visioning how my friend ended her life and many other triggers all the time which are extremely intense.
And that’s it.
I’ve made no progress in this year so far of rehabilitation. I’m going to work less because I was going all the time and it’s just idiot stupid work. Even though we all know this, I understand it is part of the rehab and for several months I went to every shift I should be going to. But I am even further away now at getting back to a regular job. I can’t commit myself to a regular job, can’t even go to interviews, can’t turn up to work when I need to because of anxiety, or being broken down, weak, exhausted and all that jazz.
What else? That is it. I’m sorry it’s like this… I am in shock myself at how long this has and is going on for and how I am making no progress with all the help I get and all the genuine effort I put in. And I’ve waited 2 years so far to get a place in the DBT group and now they’ve told me that they have finished a group now and they are not starting any new ones. There is a big reform happening where instead of the state paying for mental health centres and psychiatric hospitals and outpatient programs, now it’s up to the health care companies, of which there are several. And because of them now having to pay for people’s hospitalisations and all the rest of it, they are not allowing more than 2 weeks of anyone being in hospital. They don’t have the money to pay for everyone, so more and more cut backs because of this. Less help, less access to it, to it actually being cancelled. The reform is now apparently helping people more in the the community rather than being in hospital for longer terms. Problem being. They haven’t opened anything new, they’ve closed a lot of things and what could be available, we can’t even get for free like get a therapist. So people are out of work, like myself and money is extremely difficult, I haven’t a penny to pay for therapy as important as it is, I literally don’t have the money. And anyway, I got my psychologist for a year for free that the state paid for. So now I can go through my healthcare but have to pay a lot. And I don’t have any money to do anything with, hardly the basics of feeding myself.
OK, I guess I’ll end this here. This is just seriously not good. I am really scared. I see the downward spiral I’m going in and it’s a matter of every day mostly feeling the same or worse and it’s terrifying. I’m constantly sick to the stomach. It’s really awful. My hair is thinning, I’ve started getting lots of grey hairs, I have to take a beta blocker and Valium to try and help with my heart and it doesn’t help. My body physically is under a lot of pressure. I am seeing a dietician once a month and am losing weight each month… Mostly simply because I have less of an appetite and my diet is good as it is, so I’ve needed to add sport in order to lose weight. I walk a lot and have an app on my phone for workouts, but now I’m not able to do much asides from stretches because of my heart. I used to have heart palpitations which were kind of three one after the other and not so strong. Now I am having one massive one and it literally stops me from breathing. I miss a breath because it’s so deep.
I guess I’ve said enough hey.
I miss you all. Obviously it’s nothing personal as to why I am hardly blogging. This one has been a big struggle as it is, and I hate the negativity, but I can’t tell anything aides from the truth and facts.
I just wish and hope the best for all of you. It’s tough. Nobody deserves it. And I wish others only the best. It hurts me to see others suffering too…
(I am not reading over what I wrote. I can’t do it. So there is probably a lot of bad grammar going on etc… apologies)